Meandering Mind - Eva Dillner [35]
Exploring the other viewpoint
When we have a conflict, if we could only stop to explore the other viewpoint, we would at least be able to have a dialogue about it. But, as in the example above, one or the other goes off in a huff, because all of a sudden something has popped up that wasn't in the script in their head of how things should be. Why do we humans find it so difficult to communicate basic ideas and thoughts?
We are so advanced technologically. We have made great strides in developing our physical bodies, just look at the athletes today. We have come a long way in our understanding of many things, except human relationships. It's like we expect that to take care of itself. The most important issue, the glue that holds it all together, is our relationships with each other, yet most of us spend minimal time making the relationships we do have work.
It is true that none of us have received the appropriate training. Perhaps it's because we don't really know how? We can start, right where we are at. The next time someone offers an opinion different from yours, go at it from a detective stance. Ask questions seeking to understand their viewpoint. Have a dialogue about the different viewpoints around the table, seek to understand how each of you arrived at where you are now.
Then ask yourselves, which part of you holds these beliefs? Is it your head? Is it your heart? Is it your body? Is it your Soul? These questions alone should stimulate an interesting dialogue.
A letter not sent
When we can't have a dialogue, when it is not possible to sort it out with the other person, we can write a letter. Depending on what and how you write it, you may or may not want to send it. The letter writing process is primarily for your own sorting, so you can heal the hurt and move on. Most letters we write in this fashion should not be sent. I've written tons that have gone into the trash, where they belong. Heaping our anger on another serves no real purpose, does it? You know all too well how it feels when someone heaps his or her trash on you. It feels like yuck. The deep mucky stuff belongs in the therapy process. It's one thing to point out that your wounds have been triggered, it's another entirely to take all of your past wounds and hurts and heaping your pain on your partner.
However, there are times when the most appropriate response is to let it rip, to really let the other person have it. Tune in to your inner guidance on this. In abuse cases some say confront, others say not to confront. I don't think there can be a set rule about this. In some cases it's appropriate, in others not. Check in and feel what is right for you in each situation. Ultimately you are the one responsible for all your actions.
In the example with Jerry above, we never had the chance to have a dialogue. Our viewpoints were so diverse that we couldn't even discuss them. I'm astounded to realize the depth of the pain that remains in me. No wonder I'm terrified to reveal my inner self. No wonder I worry about rejection. No wonder I'm at a loss for words.
Well better late than never. After more than thirty years I feel it's time to remedy the situation by writing a letter. I'm including it here, to illustrate how one can write to squeeze out the hurt and confusion so at least you can heal. It does not feel appropriate to mail this letter. It's my process. Use your own judgment when and what to send, if at all.
Dear Jerry,
I know it's more than thirty years since we broke up. But as the saying goes, better late than never. I had no idea I still carried so much pain and confusion from our breakup. I have not placed much significance on our relationship at all in all my therapy work, and when you've come up, I've worked through the issue and thought I was done. But in hindsight I realize