Meandering Mind - Eva Dillner [38]
Assumed rights
I was seeing this man, let's call him Billy. We'd been together since September, he didn't live with me but spent much of his free time at my house. As Valentine's Day approached my friends would ask me what plans we had. I'd answer, “I don't know, Billy hasn't said anything.” I kept waiting for him to make plans or ask, “what would you like to do for Valentines?” but nothing was mentioned. Valentines Day fell on a Saturday that year. I puttered around the house, and at 4 or 5 in the afternoon Billy calls. By this time I had assumed we weren't getting together as no plans had been made. He wanted to come over. I remember I wasn't in a very receptive mood, said something like, “what for?” He chose not to hear that and came over anyway. Right there, I should have had a dialogue about my expectations and that I was not pleased and quite frankly wasn't in the mood to have him come over. I had really wanted to go out or have something romantic planned. But I wasn't very feisty then. At least not in my private life.
So Billy comes over, he's bought flowers. At this point I don't remember if I fixed dinner or if he came over afterwards. I do remember we ended up making love on the floor, but I really didn't want to. I kept scooting away from him. I was pissed at him. I felt taken for granted, that he could just assume I would be home and ready and willing - I didn't take him out of that misconception did I? Like I say, I was not good at verbalizing what was going on inside me then.
OK, it obviously wasn't just Billy's fault that this happened. I wasn't clear about my expectations or how I felt. I swallowed my emotions. Now Billy could have been more suave and taken me out or at the very least said, “Honey, Valentine's is coming up, what would you like to do?” I may have liked to stay home and do a special meal or gone out, the activity is not the most important here. It's being left hanging, not knowing if we were even getting together. And the assumed right of just showing up whenever.
Just one more example where having a dialogue, really seeking to understand each other could have made this Valentine's very special for both of us. In hindsight, we would have done our relationship much good if we had spent the evening talking to each other instead of glossing it over by having sex.
You know, writing this is not easy. I feel like a twit, it makes me look stupid, but oh well. One of the reasons I leave in so many embarrassing details about myself is I have discovered there are so many of my friends who have had similar experiences. Which leads me to believe that many of my readers have also done stupid things. My hope is that by writing about mine will help you heal and release your past. Together we can toss the sack of shame out the window.
Sixteen
Fascinated with groups
You may have guessed by now that I am fascinated by groups and their organization. I've participated in a number of groups where there hasn't been a traditional leader. Each group has been unique in its make-up, purpose and focus.
When a friend of mine bemoaned the difficulty in running her own business, I helped her start a group named the Cottage Industries Board of Directors. She was the only one employed in her company and she had several friends in the same boat. The purpose of the group was to help support each other and function much like a Board of Directors would in a large company. Here they could test ideas and learn from each other.
I've participated in several groups where the leaders started out teaching the material for their own enjoyment. In time the leaders started their own businesses offering workshops and individual coaching. The time spent just playing and sharing helped form the foundation for their business successes.
One of the organizations I belonged to would meet once a month for a program and potluck. Not only did we get to learn new tools, we made new friends as well.