Merrick - Anne Rice [130]
Of course now and then I gladly “believed” otherwise. I made my case to myself with seeming miracles—spirit winds and vampiric blood flowing. But in the final analysis, I feared there was nothing, nothing perhaps but the “measureless darkness” which this phantom, this vicious and angry phantom, had described.
Yes, I’m saying that I believe we might linger. Of course. Lingering after death for some while is not beyond the realm of science to explain someday—a soul of definable substance detached from the flesh and caught in some energy field that wreaths the planet. It is not beyond imagining, no, not at all. But it doesn’t mean immortality. It doesn’t mean Paradise or an Inferno. It doesn’t mean justice or recognition. It doesn’t mean ecstasy or unending pain.
As for the vampires, they were a flashy miracle, but consider how relentlessly materialistic and how very small that miracle is.
Picture the night when one of us is captured and carefully fastened to the table in the laboratory, housed perhaps in a tank of aerospace plastic, safe from the sun, day and night beneath a flickering gush of fluorescent light.
There he would lie, this helpless specimen of the Nosferatu, bleeding into syringes and test tubes, as doctors gave to our longevity, our changelessness, our connection to some binding and ageless spirit—a long Latin scientific name.
Amel, that ancient spirit said by the eldest of us to organize our bodies and connect them—it would one day be classified as some force quite similar to that which organizes the tiny ant in its vast and intricate colony, or the marvelous bees in their exquisite and impossibly sophisticated hive.
If I died, there might be nothing. If I died, there might be lingering. If I died, I might never even know what became of my soul. The lights around me—the warmth of which the child phantom had spoken so tauntingly—the warmth would simply go away.
I bowed my head. I pressed my left fingers hard to my temples, my right arm tightening against Merrick who seemed so precious, so frail.
My mind shot back to the dark spell and the luminous child phantom in the middle of it. It shot back to the moment when her arm was lifted, when Merrick cried out and was thrown back. It shot back to the child’s wonderfully realized eyes and lips, and the low musical voice issuing from her. It shot back to the seeming validity of the vision itself.
Of course, it could have been Louis’s despair which fueled her fount of misery. It might well have been my own. How much did I, myself, want to believe in Lestat’s articulate angels or Armand’s glimpse of crystalline celestial splendor? How much did I myself project upon the seeming void my own late and grossly lamented conscience, straining again and again to voice love for the maker of the wind, the tides, the moon, the stars?
I could not end my own earthly existence. I was as fearful as any mortal that I might be resigning forever the only magical experience that I’d been privileged to know. And that Louis might perish seemed a simple horror, rather like seeing an exotic and poisonous flower, fallen from its secretive jungle perch and crushed underfoot.
Did I fear for him? I wasn’t certain. I loved him, I wanted him with us now in this room. I did. But I wasn’t certain that I had the moral stamina to coax him to remain in this world another twenty-four hours. I wasn’t certain of anything at all. I wanted him for my companion, mirror of my emotions, witness of my aesthetic progress, yes, all those things. I wanted him to be quiet and gentle Louis, that I knew. And if he did not choose to go on with us, if he did in fact take his own life by walking into the sunlight, then it would be all the harder for me to continue, even with my fear.
Merrick had begun to shake all over. Her tears were not stopping. I gave in to my desire to kiss her, to breathe in the fragrance of her warm flesh.
“There, there, my darling,” I whispered.
The handkerchief clutched in her right hand was small and wet.
I lifted her as I stood up. I pulled down the