Message in a Bottle - Nicholas Sparks [86]
Garrett paused. The only sound came from the tables around them.
“Keep what up?” Jeb Blake finally asked.
Garrett stirred his coffee absently. “I don’t know whether I can see her again.”
His father cocked an eyebrow but didn’t reply. Garrett went on.
“Maybe it’s just not meant to be. I mean, she doesn’t even live here. She’s a thousand miles away, she’s got her own life, she’s got her own interests. And here I am, living down here and leading an entirely separate life. Maybe she’d do better with someone else, someone she could see on a regular basis.”
He thought about what he’d said, knowing that he didn’t quite believe himself. Still, he didn’t want to tell his father about the dream.
“I mean, how can we build a relationship if we don’t see each other very often?”
Again his father said nothing. Garrett carried on, as if talking to himself.
“If she lived here and I could see her every day, I think I’d feel differently. But with her being gone…”
He trailed off, trying to make sense of his thoughts. After a while he spoke again.
“I just don’t see how we can make it work. I’ve thought about it a lot, and I don’t see how it could be possible. I don’t want to move to Boston, and I’m sure she doesn’t want to move here, so where would that leave us?”
Garrett stopped and waited for his father to say something—anything—in response to what he’d said up to that point. But for a while, he didn’t make a sound. Finally he sighed and looked away.
“It sounds to me like you’re making excuses,” Jeb said quietly.
“You’re trying to convince yourself, and you’re using me to listen to yourself talk.”
“No, Dad, I’m not. I’m just trying to figure out this whole thing.”
“Who do you think you’re talking to, Garrett?” Jeb Blake shook his head. “Sometimes, I swear you think I just fell off the turnip truck and bumbled through life without learning anything along the way. But I know exactly what you’re going through. You’ve gotten so caught up in being alone that you’re afraid of what might happen if you actually find someone else that can take you away from it.”
“I’m not afraid,” Garrett protested.
His father cut him off sharply. “You can’t even admit it to yourself, can you?”
The disappointment in his tone was unmistakable. “You know, Garrett, when your mom died, I made excuses, too. Over the years, I told myself all sorts of things. And you wanna know where it got me?”
He stared at his son. “I’m old and tired, and most of all, I’m alone. If I could go back in time, I’d change a lot about myself, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you do the same things I did.”
Jeb paused before going on, his tone softening. “I was wrong, Garrett. I was wrong not to try to find someone else. I was wrong to feel guilty about your mom. I was wrong to keep living my life the way I did, always suffering inside and wondering what she would have thought. Because you know what? I think your mom would have wanted me to find someone else. Your mom would have wanted me to be happy. And you know why?”
Garrett didn’t answer.
“Because she loved me. And if you think that you’re showing your love to Catherine by suffering the way you’ve been doing, then somewhere along the way, I must have messed up in raising you.”
“You didn’t mess up….”
“I must have. Because when I look at you, I see myself, and to be honest, I’d rather see someone different. I’d like to see someone who learned that it’s okay to go on, that it’s okay to find someone that can make you happy. But right now, it’s like I’m looking in the mirror and seeing myself twenty years ago.”
Garrett spent the rest of the afternoon alone, walking on the beach, thinking about what his father had said. Looking back, he knew he’d been dishonest from the start of the conversation and wasn’t surprised that his father had figured it out. Why, then, had he wanted to talk to him? Had he wanted