Middle of Everywhere - Mary Bray Pipher [126]
Talking to the Sudanese and Kosovar refugees, I found that no matter what they had suffered they all said they had gained from their experiences. Many mentioned increased self-awareness, stronger love for family, closeness to other refugees, and witnessing acts of heroism or great generosity. One woman, who had been about to be shot, told of a stranger who placed his body between her body and the executioners. Another woman talked of people who gave away their only food.
Suffering is redemptive when it leads us to a deeper, more nuanced understanding of ourselves and other humans. For countless generations humans have used their pain to grow souls. Through tragedy many people realize they are capable of much better behavior than they thought possible. Or perhaps they realize how much they are loved. After she had broken her ankle, a woman from Azerbaijan was carried across a war zone by her husband. She said, "I never realized how much he cared for me." A Croatian boy said of his sister, "She was starving, but she handed me her last piece of bread."
Perhaps refugees have been heroes, much braver, more competent, or kinder than they ever suspected they could be. Through suffering, people learn the importance of kindness. They learn that love is all that matters. They develop a sense of perspective and scale. They learn tolerance and empathy. After much is lost, they learn appreciation for what remains.
I spoke to my aunt Grace the day she lost her only son. He had lived nearby all sixty years of his life and died of a heart attack mowing Grace's lawn. My aunt sounded old and tired on the phone. At the end of the call, she told me, "We'll just have to love and take care of the ones who are left."
My aunt was very wise. Her simple statement of purpose really sums up the nature of healing. After great loss, we must find who is left to love and resolve to care for them. That is all we can do. In most cases, the great miracle is that it is enough.
Samuel Beckett wrote, "Ever tried, Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." We tend to underestimate our own resilience. Striving and overcoming obstacles can bring joy and focus to life. One of the great ironies is that stressful lives often provoke positive emotions, while easier lives can induce laziness and apathy. Who is happier, a mountain climber or a person who sits around and watches television all weekend?
The psychologist who has most understood healing and the relationship between pain and meaning is Viktor Frankl. In Man's Search for Meaning, he wrote that while he was in a concentration camp, he discovered that everything can be taken from a person but one thing—the ability to choose one's attitude to any given set of circumstances.
Nelson Mandela discovered the same great truth. He was locked up for twenty-seven years. At a certain point, he realized that, "My enemies could take it all, everything but my mind and heart. I decided not to give them away." This insight helped him reestablish his dignity and personal integrity.
Human life is not freedom from conditions, but freedom to take a stand on conditions. To live is to suffer. To survive is to find meaning in suffering. Working for the welfare of others is the best antidote to despair. Working to help extended family left in the old country, testifying about human rights abuses, working for democracy—all these activities give life