Middle of Everywhere - Mary Bray Pipher [87]
Lonely adults from countries without any tradition of dating or courtship need help navigating the stormy seas of dating relationships. They are not going to find a partner in the bars, and they often don't have friends to introduce them to eligible partners. We could use a marriage broker in our town, or at least a class: Finding a Mate 101.
Of course, many young adults do find people from their own cultures to date and marry, and increasingly they date Americans or refugees from other cultures. We see interesting mixed couples in our cafés—Kurdish and Latino, Vietnamese and Afghani, Sudanese and Bosnian. Some young adults participate in arranged marriage in this country. And, of course, some do not want to marry.
The two stories that follow are of young adults in our community. The cultures and external circumstances are quite different in some ways, and yet all the young adults are struggling with work, identity, and relationship issues. No one is terribly happy. The late twenties is not a happy age for many people in America, especially if they are refugees.
THIEP
"I was born in the wrong time."
I met Thiep at the Student Union just after Thanksgiving. There was a fire in the fireplace and Christmas carols played in the background. Thiep was twenty-five, weighed maybe ninety pounds, and had an earnest face. She was pretty, but she wasn't about being pretty; her experiences had led her to a search for deeper meaning.
We bought cups of hot tea and settled in for a talk. I asked one question and then mostly listened. Thiep could have talked for hours.
"I was born in the wrong time—1975 in Vietnam," she began. "It was a time of distrust and disbelief, right after the war. Thirty-six hours after I was born, soldiers came to my house and arrested my father. It was six years before we saw him again. My grandfather and uncle were in prison, too. Many people starved to death."
While her father was in jail, she and her mother lived with her mother's family, simple country people. Their door was never shut and neighbors ambled in and out. She could go into any house in the village without knocking. No one cared about the war or politics, only food and shelter for their village.
After her father was released, they moved into his family home, which included seven uncles and two aunts who had moved to Saigon from the north so they could worship in a Catholic church. Before the war, this family had been wealthy and had associated with the French. Her father had been a captain in the army. He was a proud man who never learned to ask for favors. Now they were broke and the men were unemployed. Thiep's uncles were smart, but because of their history they were not allowed to study or work. These uncles and her father never recovered from the family's loss of status. Thiep's mother was a seamstress, the best wage earner in the family.
Prison changed her father, who had been optimistic and kind before the war but was now distrustful and bitter. When her family asked old friends for help, the friends would quietly disappear. Thiep interrupted herself to say that she didn't judge the people, but the times. It was dangerous to be helpful to a family like hers.
At school Thiep was teacher's pet and class president. But she knew her education would come to nothings Because of the family's political past, Thiep would never be able to go to college.
Thiep paused briefly and looked around the cheery room. She said, "I want to tell you about my uncles. I think of them every day."
One of these uncles knew Latin and French and loved to write and conduct music. He lived an artist's life and didn't care for money at all. The other uncle dreamed of becoming a soccer player. They had no hope for a good life in Vietnam and they planned a daring escape. They slipped onto a boat with others who were escaping with the help of "snakeheads," or paid guides. They were at sea with sixty people when a storm blew in. The fishermen all rushed to shore, but the escapees couldn't go to shore or they would be arrested. So they chose to brave