Middle of Everywhere - Mary Bray Pipher [97]
When I work with traditional families, I stress the importance of everyone learning about America. I encourage respect for parents and elders and reinforce the closeness of children and grandparents. I validate the family's past history of sticking together. I say things like, "I cannot help you if you don't help each other."
I have even been known to do a rather hokey demonstration. I set a number of small sticks out on a table. I have a volunteer from the family pick up one of the sticks and see if he or she can break it. Of course he or she breaks it easily. Then I gather all of the sticks together and tie them in a bundle. I hand this bundle to my volunteer and again ask him or her to break it. When the volunteer cannot break them, I say, "A bundle of sticks cannot be broken."
On the other hand, I encourage parents to reflect on the difficulty their kids have with our culture. I stress that this is a new place with very different expectations for children. Teenagers are not the same in the United States as they are in the traditional homeland. I encourage parents to listen to their children's point of view and to develop some empathy for the cultural switching kids must do.
I talk about the attributes of resilience. I encourage families to be flexible, focused, attentive, and hardworking. I stress that assimilation takes time. There is a lot of trial-and-error learning. Many of the problems families have are problems of transition. I reassure families that after a year they will have solved some of their current problems, although, of course, they will have new challenges.
I ask, What do you want to keep from the old culture? What do you want to accept from America? I reinforce the importance of connections to the ethnic community as well as to American cultural brokers. I teach families that time is their greatest wealth and they must spend it carefully. I recommend parents turn off their televisions and talk to and listen to their children. I urge parents to read to their children and practice English with them. I teach families to think carefully about choices and to be careful how they spend money.
I try to teach the best American parenting practices—how to set limits, to give feedback to family members, to hug, and to praise. We have the tools to resolve problems, negotiate conflicts, and respect everyone's point of view. My goal is to help people replace despair, stress, and denigration with pride, hope, and enjoyment. Pleasurable activities and laughter can bond families just as trauma can. Fun can be deeply healing.
Americans are good at having fun with children. Newcomers can learn from us how to have family vacations, picnics, and educational and recreational outings. In Nebraska, families enjoy the migrating sandhill cranes in spring and the wild geese in the fell. We celebrate birthdays and milestones of all kinds. We like family reunions and potlucks, events almost all people can enjoy.
ART THERAPY
I attended a group held at a community center for Afghani and Middle Eastern women who met for cultural orientation, English practice, and emotional support. I was invited by Leda, a Kurdish woman, who asked me to help her group heal from the past.
I had known Leda for six months. Her family had suffered in about every way a family could suffer. They had lost their home, their country, and their relatives. Her husband, Ahmad, had been forced to be a soldier and he told me, "In one battle that lasted forty days, I saw thirty thousand young Iraqis killed." He said, "Men who wouldn't fight had their ears cut off; but if they fought they would die, so losing ears was good."
After Ahmad escaped the army, he and Leda had no choice but to flee their country. Their youngest child was born in a meadow. The other children were educated on