Mindset _ The New Psychology of Success - Carol S. Dweck [76]
FRIENDSHIP
Friendships, like partnerships, are places where we have a chance to enhance each other’s development, and to validate each other. Both are important. Friends can give each other the wisdom and courage to make growth-enhancing decisions, and friends can reassure each other of their fine qualities. Despite the dangers of praising traits, there are times when we need reassurance about ourselves: “Tell me I’m not a bad person for breaking up with my boyfriend.” “Tell me I’m not stupid even though I bombed on the exam.”
In fact, these occasions give us a chance to provide support and give a growth message: “You gave that relationship everything you had for three years and he made no effort to improve things. I think you’re right to move on.” Or “What happened on that exam? Do you understand the material? Did you study enough? Do you think you need a tutor? Let’s talk about it.”
But as in all relationships, people’s need to prove themselves can tilt the balance in the wrong direction. Sheri Levy did a study that was not about friendship, but makes an important and relevant point.
Levy measured adolescent boys’ self-esteem and then asked them how much they believed in negative stereotypes about girls. For example, how much did they believe that girls were worse in math or that girls were less rational than boys? She then measured their self-esteem again.
Boys who believed in the fixed mindset showed a boost in self-esteem when they endorsed the stereotypes. Thinking that girls were dumber and more scatterbrained made them feel better about themselves. (Boys with the growth mindset were less likely to agree with the stereotypes, but even when they did, it did not give them an ego boost.)
This mentality can intrude on friendships. The lower you are, the better I feel is the idea.
One day I was talking to a dear, wise friend. I was puzzled about why she put up with the behavior of some of her friends. Actually, I was puzzled about why she even had these friends. One often acted irresponsibly; another flirted shamelessly with her husband. Her answer was that everyone has virtues and foibles, and that, really, if you looked only for perfect people, your social circle would be impoverished. There was, however, one thing she would not put up with: People who made her feel bad about herself.
We all know these people. They can be brilliant, charming, and fun, but after being with them, you feel diminished. You may ask: “Am I just doing a number on myself?” But it is often them, trying to build themselves up by establishing their superiority and your inferiority. It could be by actively putting you down, or it could be by the careless way they treat you. Either way, you are a vehicle for (and a casualty of) confirming their worth.
I was at a friend’s fiftieth-birthday party and her sister gave a speech, supposedly in her honor. Her sister talked about my friend’s insatiable sexual appetite and how lucky it was she found a younger man to marry who could handle it. “All in good fun,” she took care of my friend’s looks, brains, and mothering skills. After this tribute, I suddenly recalled the saying “With friends like this, you don’t need enemies.”
It’s difficult to realize when friends don’t wish you well. One night I had the most vivid dream. Someone, someone I knew well, came into my house and one by one took all my prized possessions. In the dream I could see what was happening, but I couldn’t see who it was. At one point, I asked the intruder: “Couldn’t you please leave that one, it means a lot to me.” But the person just kept taking everything of value. The next morning I realized who it was and what it meant. For the past year a close friend had been calling upon me constantly to help him with his work. I obliged. He was under a great deal of stress, and I was at first happy to use whatever skills I had for his benefit. But it was endless, it was not reciprocal, and on