Mindset _ The New Psychology of Success - Carol S. Dweck [84]
We can praise them as much as we want for the growth-oriented process—what they accomplished through practice, study, persistence, and good strategies. And we can ask them about their work in a way that admires and appreciates their efforts and choices.
“That homework was so long and involved. I really admire the way you concentrated and finished it.”
“That picture has so many beautiful colors. Tell me about them.”
“You put so much thought into this essay. It really makes me understand Shakespeare in a new way.”
“The passion you put into that piano piece gives me a real feeling of joy. How do you feel when you play it?”
I was excited to learn recently that Haim Ginott, through his lifelong work with children, came to the same conclusion. “Praise should deal, not with the child’s personality attributes, but with his efforts and achievements.”
Sometimes people are careful to use growth-oriented praise with their children but then ruin it by the way they talk about others. I have heard parents say in front of their children, “He’s just a born loser,” “She’s a natural genius,” or “She’s a pea-brain.” When children hear their parents level fixed judgments at others, it communicates a fixed mindset. And they have to wonder, Am I next?
This caveat applies to teachers, too! In one study, we taught students a math lesson spiced up with some math history, namely, stories about great mathematicians. For half of the students, we talked about the mathematicians as geniuses who easily came up with their math discoveries. This alone propelled students into a fixed mindset. It sent the message: There are some people who are born smart in math and everything is easy for them. Then there are the rest of you. For the other half of the students, we talked about the mathematicians as people who became passionate about math and ended up making great discoveries. This brought students into a growth mindset. The message was: Skills and achievement come through commitment and effort. It’s amazing how kids sniff out these messages from our innocent remarks.
One more thing about praise. When we say to children, “Wow, you did that so quickly!” or “Look, you didn’t make any mistakes!” what message are we sending? We are telling them that what we prize are speed and perfection. Speed and perfection are the enemy of difficult learning: “If you think I’m smart when I’m fast and perfect, I’d better not take on anything challenging.” So what should we say when children complete a task—say, math problems—quickly and perfectly? Should we deny them the praise they have earned? Yes. When this happens, I say, “Whoops. I guess that was too easy. I apologize for wasting your time. Let’s do something you can really learn from!”
REASSURING CHILDREN
How do you make a child feel secure before a test or performance? The same principle applies. Reassuring children about their intelligence or talent backfires. They’ll only be more afraid to show a deficiency.
Kristina was a really bright high school student who, much to her shame, did terribly on tests. She always studied, she always knew the material, but every time it came to the test, she got so wound up that her mind went blank. Her grades suffered. She disappointed her teachers. She let her parents down. And it was only going to get worse as she faced the College Board tests that the schools she longed to attend prized so highly.
The night before each test, her parents, seeing how distraught she was, tried to build her confidence. “Look, you know how smart you are and we know how smart you are. You’ve got this nailed. Now, stop worrying.”
They were as supportive as they knew how to be, but they were raising the stakes even higher. What could they have said instead?
“It must be a terrible thing to feel that everyone is evaluating you and you can’t show what you know. We want you to know that we are not evaluating you. We care about your learning, and we know that you’ve learned your stuff. We’re