Mindset _ The New Psychology of Success - Carol S. Dweck [86]
Billy rushed through his homework, skipping several questions and answering the others in a short, sloppy way. His father hit the roof. “This is your homework? Can’t you ever get it right? You are either dense or irresponsible. Which is it?” The feedback managed to question his son’s intelligence and character at the same time and to imply that the defects were permanent.
How could the dad have expressed his frustration and disappointment without assassinating his son’s attributes? Here are some ways.
“Son, it really makes me upset when you don’t do a full job. When do you think you can complete this?”
“Son, is there something you didn’t understand in the assignment? Would you like me to go over it with you?”
“Son, I feel sad when I see you missing a chance to learn. Can you think of a way to do this that would help you learn more?”
“Son, this looks like a really boring assignment. You have my sympathy. Can you think of a way to make it more interesting?” or “Let’s try to think of a way to lessen the pain and still do a good job. Do you have any ideas?”
“Son, remember I told you how tedious things help us learn to concentrate? This one is a real challenge. This will really take all your concentration skills. Let’s see if you can concentrate through this whole assignment!”
Sometimes children will judge and label themselves. Ginott tells of Philip, age fourteen, who was working on a project with his father and accidentally spilled nails all over the floor. He guiltily looked at his dad and said:
PHILIP: Gee, I’m so clumsy.
FATHER: That’s not what we say when nails spill.
PHILIP: What do you say?
FATHER: You say, the nails spilled—I’ll pick them up!
PHILIP: Just like that?
FATHER: Just like that.
PHILIP: Thanks, Dad.
Children Learn the Messages
Kids with the fixed mindset tell us they get constant messages of judgment from their parents. They say they feel as though their traits are being measured all the time.
We asked them: “Suppose your parents offer to help you with your schoolwork. Why would they do this?”
They said: “The real reason is that they wanted to see how smart I was at the schoolwork I was working on.”
We asked: “Suppose your parents are happy that you got a good grade. Why would that be?”
They said: “They were happy to see I was a smart kid.”
We asked: “Suppose your parents discussed your performance with you when you did poorly on something in school. Why would they do this?”
They said: “They might have been worried I wasn’t one of the bright kids,” and “They think bad grades might mean I’m not smart.”
So every time something happens, these children hear a message of judgment.
Maybe all kids think their parents are judging them. Isn’t that what parents do—nag and judge? That’s not what students with the growth mindset think. They think their parents are just trying to encourage learning and good study habits. Here’s what they say about their parents’ motives:
Q: Suppose your parents offer to help you with your school-work. Why would they do this?
A: They wanted to make sure I learned as much as I could from my schoolwork.
Q: Suppose your parents are happy that you got a good grade.
A: They’re happy because a good grade means that I really stuck to my work.
Q: Suppose your parents discussed your performance with you when you did poorly on something in school.
A: They wanted to teach me ways to study better in the future.
Even when it was about their conduct or their relationships, the kids with the fixed mindset felt judged, but the kids with the growth mindset felt helped.
Q: Imagine that your parents became upset when you didn’t do what they asked you to do. Why would they be this way?
FIXED-MINDSET CHILD: They were worried I might be a bad kid.
GROWTH-MINDSET CHILD: They wanted to help me learn ways of doing it better next time.