Mistakes Were Made - Carol Tavris [89]
Charlie’s first impulse was to justify himself. He didn’t think that raising his voice was a desirable trait, exactly, but he saw it as one that was part of who he was, an aspect of his authenticity. “My father yelled and pounded tables,” he said to her. “My grandfather yelled and pounded tables! It’s my right! I can’t do anything about it. It’s what a man does. You want me to be like those wimpy guys who are always talking about their ‘feelings’?” Once he stopped yelling and considered how his behavior was affecting Maxine, he realized that of course he could modify his behavior, and, slowly and steadily, he reduced the frequency and intensity of his flare-ups. But Maxine, too, had to change; she had to stop justifying her belief that all forms of anger are dangerous and bad. (“In my family no one ever expressed anger. Therefore, that’s the only right way to be.”) When she did, she was able to learn to distinguish legitimate feelings of anger from unacceptable ways of expressing them, such as pounding tables, and for that matter from unconstructive ways of not expressing them, such as crying and retreating—her own “unchangeable” habit.
Over the years, a different problem emerged, one that had developed slowly, as it does for many couples who divide up tasks on the initial basis of who’s better at them. The down side of Maxine’s serenity was unassertiveness and a fear of confrontation; she would never dream of complaining about a bad meal or flawed merchandise. And so it always fell to Charlie to return the coffeepot that didn’t work, call customer service with complaints, or deal face-to-face with the landlord who wouldn’t fix the plumbing. “You’re so much better at this than I am,” she would say, and because he was, he would do it. Over time, however, Charlie grew tired of shouldering this responsibility and was becoming irritated by what he was now seeing as Maxine’s passivity. “Why am I always the one handling these unpleasant confrontations?” he said to himself.
He was at a choice point. He could have let it slide, saying that’s just the way she is, and continued to do all the dirty work. Instead, Charlie suggested that perhaps it was time for Maxine to learn how to be more assertive, a skill that would be useful to her in many contexts, not only in their marriage. Initially, Maxine responded by saying, “That’s the way I am, and you knew it when you married me. Besides, no fair changing the rules after all these years.” As they talked more, she was able to hear his concern without letting the jangle of self-justification get in the way. As soon as that happened, she could empathize with his feelings and understand why he thought the division of labor had become unfair. She realized that her options were not as limited as she had always assumed. She took an assertiveness-training course, diligently practiced what she learned there, got better at standing up for her rights, and before long was enjoying the satisfaction of speaking her mind in a way that usually got results. Charlie and Maxine made it clear that he did not turn into a lamb nor did she turn into a tiger; personality, history, genetics, and temperament do put limitations on how much anyone can change.14 But each of them moved. In this marriage, assertiveness and the constructive expression of anger are no longer polarized skills, his and hers.
In good marriages, a confrontation, difference of opinion, clashing habits, and even angry quarrels can bring the couple closer, by helping each partner learn something new and by forcing them to examine their assumptions about their abilities or limitations. It isn’t always easy to do this. Letting