Monster - A. Lee Martinez [50]
Gracie frowned. “I’m not telling you. You’re a collaborator. Don’t try to deny it. You stink of demons.”
“I don’t stink.” Monster pulled his T-shirt collar under his nose and sniffed. “So maybe I do stink a little.”
She stepped forward and cupped his chin. “Your aura is totally, like, saturated with orange and teal. You could clear that up with some volunteer work. A little less dairy would help your karmic resonance too.”
“My girlfriend is a demon,” admitted Monster, “but I don’t really like her.”
Gracie scowled. “That’s even worse.”
Two gaborchends emerged from Judy’s apartment. Grumbling, Monster ran to retrieve one of the many jars of Cheez Whiz he had stashed in the car.
“I realize Monster isn’t exactly the most pleasant guy in the world, miss,” said Chester, “but he does a lot of good, despite himself.”
“Oh, really?” asked Gracie. “Like what?”
“He’s rescued hundreds of endangered cryptos.”
“I have,” said Monster as he emptied two cans of Cheez Whiz onto the parking lot. The gaborchends momentarily forgot him as they lapped up the snack.
“That’s his job,” said Gracie. “That really doesn’t count.”
“Like hell it doesn’t,” said Monster, quickly beginning a transmogrification circle around the creatures. It wasn’t easy to draw the chalk runes on the pavement while squirting processed cheese into the gaborchends’ snapping jaws.
Gracie said, “Being a good person is more than just not being a bad person.”
Chester shrugged. “I guess she’s got you there then.”
Monster completed the spell. The gaborchends transmogrified in a flash. He collected the stones and stuck them in a bag with the rest of his collection, then pulled out his wallet and counted a few bills.
“If you tell me where she is, I’ll give you ten bucks.”
Gracie snatched the money from Monster and handed him a slip of paper.
Went to my sister’s, read the note. Please, please, please, call me there.
There was a phone number but no address.
Monster went to his car and found his phone doll. He tugged on the doll’s arms to dial the number and waited for someone to pick up.
“Hello?”
He recognized Judy’s voice.
“Judy, it’s me. Look, we have to talk.”
There was silence on the line.
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m here,” said Judy. “Who is this?”
“It’s Monster.”
More silence.
“I don’t know anyone named Monster.”
Monster lowered the doll and covered it with his hand. “Shit. She’s forgotten.” He put the doll back to his ear. “Remember that incident at the supermarket and your apartment?”
“Uh… yeah?” But her tone meant she didn’t remember much.
“I’m the guy you spent last night with.” He sighed. “The Animal Control guy.”
“Uh… yeah?”
“We have to meet.”
“We do?”
“We have to talk.”
“We are talking.”
He lowered the doll and swore.
“Let me give it a try.” Chester took the doll. “Hello, Judy. This is Chester. You probably don’t remember me very well, but…” He nodded. “Yes, the assistant, that’s me. I’m sorry, but there’s been an oversight on our part. Frankly, we goofed. I’ve got some papers here that need to be signed. It’s not essential, but it’d get us out of a bind. Shouldn’t take more than five minutes, I promise.”
“So?” asked Monster.
“She’s thinking it over.”
“What’s to think over?”
“She doesn’t remember much, but I’m betting she remembers that bad things tend to happen when you’re around.”
“Yeah, okay,” said Judy.
“What would you do without me, boss?” Chester got the address and handed the doll to Monster. “I don’t know how to hang this dumb thing up. You really should get a cell phone.”
Monster twisted the doll’s head and headed toward his car.
“Thanks for your help,” said Chester to Paulie and Gracie. The gnome folded himself into a crane and flew after Monster. The tin car rattled its way out of the parking lot.
Gracie held up her newly acquired ten bucks. “C’mon, baby. Taco Bell is on me tonight.”
Three gaborchends slinked out from behind Paulie’s multi-colored van.
“Sorry, guys,” she said. “You just missed them.”
Judy’s temporary residence was all the way across town. It was not a pleasant ride. Monster