Monster - A. Lee Martinez [6]
Liz’s voice issued from the doll. “Hey, this is Liz. Call me.”
“Thanks,” said Monster. “Glad I didn’t miss that one.”
The doll hummed. “Hey, this is Liz. Call me.”
“I got it.”
“Call me.”
“I heard you the first time.”
“Call me.”
Monster snatched up the doll. “Listen, you stupid little bastard, I got the message already! Shut the hell up!” He hurled it across the parking lot. The doll jumped to its feet and jogged back over.
“Wouldn’t it just be easier to call her back?” asked Chester.
“Maybe.”
Monster raised his foot and prepared to stomp the stuffing out of the doll, but he came to his senses at the last moment. Destroying the doll would release the minor devil contained within. Although it couldn’t do more than one small malicious act before returning to the underworld, it could still be a pain in the ass. Last time he’d lost control and destroyed one of Liz’s dolls, he’d gotten a boil on his nose. And the one before that had taken all the fizz out of his sodas for a solid month.
Of course, minor devils lived for stuff like that. It was the whole reason they allowed themselves to be bound. Inevitably, they’d be released to pull one of their malevolent pranks. For a devil, spending a thousand years in mortal servitude was always worth it if it got to eventually inflict someone with a case of sonic flatulence for a day. Nasty little bastards, and Liz loved them.
That should’ve been his first clue.
No, he corrected. Summoning a girlfriend from the Pits, that should’ve been his first clue.
The doll chimed in hopes of irritating Monster to destroy it, but he set aside his foot. “Nice try. Just connect me with Liz.”
The doll rang three times. “Hi, this is Liz. I’m not here right now, but please leave a message after the beep.”
Monster declined to leave a message. He snarled at the doll. “You knew she wasn’t going to answer, didn’t you?”
The doll shrugged. He picked it up and stuffed it deep into his pocket.
Twenty minutes later, a lime green pickup pulled into the lot and came to a screeching halt beside Monster’s van. A large man, not exactly fat but tall, wide-framed, and doughy, got out. He wore a jumpsuit the same shade of green as his pickup. Other than his largeness there wasn’t much about Hardy to notice except the full set of ram horns curling around his skull. Hardy claimed to be part demon, but it seemed unlikely. A lot of folks claimed to be part demon, but a lot of people claimed to have known Merlin too.
Monster nodded at Hardy. Hardy nodded back. They said nothing else as they worked together to extract the yeti from the van and load it onto the pickup.
“I want forty percent,” said Hardy. “Forty? Shit, I captured the damn thing. All you have to do is deliver it.”
“Forty percent. And I’m doing you a favor. Alchemical harvest for a dead yeti won’t even pay for my gas. The most valuable parts are the tongue, eyes, and fangs, and those are missing. You aren’t holding out on me, are you?”
“Come on, Hardy. Look at it. The head got blown to bits.”
“So no teeth?”
“I checked. They must’ve been disintegrated in the blast.”
“What the hell happened, anyway?”
“A civilian got in the middle of things and misused a pacification rune.” Monster patted the yeti. “The pelt is used in some cryo preservation enchantments. That’s worth something, isn’t it?”
“Maybe ten years ago. Forty. Take it or leave it.”
“Fine.”
“Great. Let me just go get the paperwork.” Hardy fumbled around in the cab of his pickup. Monster thought he saw a bulge just above Hardy’s ass, the telltale sign of a goat tail. It was far likelier Hardy was half satyr than part demon.
Monster pulled the doll from his pocket and tossed it under the pickup’s rear tire.
Hardy lumbered over. He wasn’t that fat and so there really was no reason for him to lumber that Monster could see. Unless Hardy was trying to squeeze some hooves into size-ten sneakers. With a smug grin, he handed over the forms, and Monster signed them.
“You drive a hard bargain, Hardy.”
“Just trying to make a living. You understand.”
Monster climbed into his van and drove