Monster - A. Lee Martinez [65]
“Oh, no!” He put his hand on its muzzle and kept it at arm’s length. “No way!”
“I’ve always wanted to ride one of those,” said the lady.
“Be my guest.” Monster turned his back to the stallion. “I’m not interested. I know Judy sent you. I don’t know how she does it, but she did, didn’t she?”
The horse’s only response was to nibble on its shoulder.
Two street Reds, a doughy human and a stocky dwarf, headed in Monster’s direction.
“Sir, is this your animal?” asked the human officer.
“What?” said Monster. “No, it’s not mine. I’ve never even seen it before.”
The horse nuzzled Monster’s neck.
“Are you sure it’s not yours?” asked the dwarf.
“Seems to really like you, sir,” said the human cop.
“That’s what I said,” remarked the lady on the bench.
“You are aware that winged horses aren’t allowed on the street, aren’t you, sir?” asked the dwarf.
Monster said, “Actually, I’m glad you’re here, officers. This horse is looking for some help, and I’m sure you could be of more help than I could.”
The stallion bit his arm.
“Ouch! Hey, cut it out.” He nearly smacked it across the muzzle, but caught the disapproving expressions on the Reds’ faces and eased into a soft pat instead.
Both the Reds pulled out their ticket books and started writing. Monster didn’t even bother arguing as they each peeled off a citation for having an unlicensed animal and another for littering.
The dwarf pointed to a steaming pile of horse dung. “And clean that up.”
“Sure thing, officer,” said Monster with a forced smile.
He did his best to ignore the horse, but it wasn’t going away.
Reluctantly, he finally called the only number he could think of. An answering machine picked up.
“Hardy, I know you’re there. Pick up. I know you’re there. Damn it, pick up the phone, you lazy—” Monster chewed on his tongue as he stumbled for the right phrasing. “Come on, man, you owe me. You’re not still mad about that exploding tire thing? That was just a joke. No big deal. I was just screwing with you. That’s what we do. We screw with each other. You screw with me. I screw with you. It’s all good fun, right? Nothing personal.”
The machine cut him off. He dialed again.
“Give me a break, buddy. I’ve had a really lousy day, and if I had anyone else to call, I would. I just want to go home and I don’t want to take the damn bus. It’s not like you haven’t been an asshole to me in the past, but if you were so desperate that you had to call me for a ride, I’d be a good guy and help you out.”
Hardy’s gruff voice spoke over the line. “Bullshit, Monster. And I ain’t your buddy.”
“Okay, I don’t like you, and you don’t like me. But if you pick me up I’ll split the retrieval fee on a winged horse bag.”
Hardy snorted into the phone and made an unpleasant hocking sound. “Where the hell did you find a winged horse?”
“Does it matter? It’s here with me and if you pick me up, you can score it at the same time.”
“Why can’t you score it?”
Monster sighed. “Do you want it or not? A winged horse bag is worth a lot of money.”
“Sure. I want the whole fee, though.”
“No way. I’m only asking for a ride across town.”
“In the first place, I don’t know if I believe you’ve got a line on an unclaimed winged horse. Doesn’t really add up right that you would. In the second, if you’ve got one then just score it yourself and let me get some sleep. And in the third place, I really don’t give a crap. So take it or leave it. You’ve got ten seconds before I hang up.”
“I’ll just keep calling,” said Monster.
“I’ll just unplug the phone,” replied Hardy. “Do we have a deal… buddy?”
“Yeah. Whatever. Just get here soon.”
Half an hour and two more dung deposits later (none of which Monster cleaned up), Hardy pulled up in his truck. He didn’t park but shouted at Monster through the open window.
“Holy crap—you really do have a winged stallion!”
“Yeah, and it’s all yours,” said Monster.
Hardy pulled around the block in search of a close parking space.
The stallion fixed Monster with one of its blue eyes.
“Don’t look at me like that. You don’t expect me to trust