Monstrous Regiment - Terry Pratchett [95]
“And, if one as it were thinks ‘outside of the box,’ the ‘woman’ does not in fact need to be a woman!”
Blouse beamed. Polly allowed her brow to wrinkle in honest puzzlement.
“Doesn’t she, sir?” she said. “I don’t think I quite understand, sir. I am perplexed, sir.”
“‘She’ could be a man, Perks!” said Blouse, almost exploding with delight. “One of us! In disguise!”
Polly breathed a sigh of relief. Sergeant Jackrum laughed.
“Bless you, sir, dressing up as washerwomen is for gettin’ out of places! Milit’ry rules!”
“If a man gets inside, he could disable any guards near the door, spy out the situation from a military perspective, and let the rest of the troops in!” said Blouse. “If this was done at night, men, we could be holding key positions by the morning!”
“But these aren’t men, sir,” said Jackrum. Polly turned. The sergeant was looking right at her, right through her. Oh darn, I mean damn…he knows…
“I beg your pardon?”
“They are…my little lads, sir,” Jackrum went on, winking at Polly. “Keen lads, full of mustard, but they ain’t ones for cuttin’ throats and stabbin’ hearts. They signed up to be pikemen in the press, sir, in a proper army. You are my little lads, I says to ’em when I signed ’em up, and I will look after you. I can’t stand by and let you take ’em to certain death!”
“It’s my decision to make, Sergeant,” said Blouse. “We are at ‘the hinge of destiny.’ Who, in the pinch, is not ready to lay down his life for his country?”
“In a proper stand-up fight, sir; not getting beaten over the head by a bunch of nasty men for creeping around their fort! You know I’ve never been one for spies an’ hidin’ your colors, sir, never.”
“Sergeant, we have no choice! We must take advantage of the ‘tide of fortune’!”
“I know about tides, sir! They leave little fish gaspin’!” The sergeant stood up, fists clenching.
“Your concern for your men does you credit, Sergeant, but it falls to us—”
“A famous last stand, sir?” said Jackrum. He spat expertly into the fire in the tumbledown hearth. “To hell with them, sir. That’s just a way of dyin’ famous!”
“Sergeant, your insubordination is getting—”
“I’ll go,” said Polly quietly.
Both men stopped, turned, and stared.
“I’ll go,” Polly repeated louder. “Someone ought to.”
“Don’t be daft, Perks!” snapped Jackrum. “You don’t know what’s in there, you don’t know what guards are waitin’ just inside the door, you don’t know—”
“I’ll find out, then, Sarge, won’t I,” said Polly, smiling desperately. “Maybe I can get to somewhere where you can see and send signals, or—”
“On this issue, at least, the sergeant and I are of one mind, Perks,” said Blouse. “Really, Private, it would simply not work. Oh, you’re brave, certainly, but what makes you think you stand a chance of passing yourself off as a woman?”
“Well, sir…what?”
“Your keenness will not go unrecorded, Perks!” said Blouse, smiling. “But, y’know, a good officer keeps an eye on his men and I have to say that I’ve noticed in you, in all of you, little…habits, perfectly normal, nothing to worry about, like the occasional deep exploration of a nostril maybe, and a tendency to grin after passing wind, a natural boyish inclination to, ahem, scratch your…your selves in public…that sort of thing. These are the kind of little details that’d give you away in a trice and tell any observer that you were a man in women’s clothing, believe me.”
“I’m sure I could pull it off, sir,” said Polly weakly. She could sense Jackrum’s eyes on her. You bloomi—you bloody well know, don’t you! How long have you known?
Blouse shook his head. “No, they would see through you in a flash. You are a fine bunch of lads, but there is only one man here who’d stand a change of getting away with it. Manickle?”
“Yessir?” said Shufti, rigid with instant panic.
“Can you find me a dress, do you think?”
Maladict was the first to break the silence.
“Sir, are you telling us…you’re going to try to get in dressed as a woman?”
“Well, I’m clearly the only one who’s had any practice,” said Blouse, rubbing his hands together. “At my old school, we were