Monty, his part in my victory - Spike Milligan [24]
“Let me in,” it said.
“There’s no door,” I told it. It walked in, fell onto the bed, which splintered. We heard the head go thud for the second time, and he slept like an angel with a baby smile on his fizz.
There had been a time, when he was but three, his mother tucked him in and gave him his bottle. He’d come a long way since then.
The Morning After
My god! My head! Edgington’s head! Fildes’ head! Kidgell awoke me. “Who am I?” he said. There’s an inspection at 8.30 hours by Captain Leahmann, we had to ‘stand by your beds’, Edgington got as far as putting his vest on.
Then, exhausted, he just sat on his bed. Captain Leahmann said, “What is it?”
“It’s one of ours sir.”
“Why is it green?”
“It’s something to do with an abnormal fluid intake.”
He stopped at Kidgell, unshaven, two unseeing red eyes staring over the blanket top.
“Does his mother know?” he said. “Yes. It’s Spazolikons sir.”
“Spazolikons?”
“Yes sir, only he, being short, has got them low down.”
This was all done straight faced.
“Very good Bombardier, carry on,” said Leahmann and left the room. I heard him burst into convulsive laughter outside.
Corporal tickling the feet of a German prisoner to try and make him see the joke
Wed. 7 July 1943
Alf Fildes Diary:
Sorry to leave Bougie. 60 m to Djelli. Rehearsed in Glacier Cinema where we give show. Few civilians here. After short rehearsal we take a truck with band and posters to advertise show, funniest thing ever. Afternoon show fair, evening a wow! Standing room only. Crazy gang ad lib bits hilarious.
We packed up and set off to Djelli, 60 miles from Bougie. We drove along the spectacular Gulf of Bougie road, which hugged the coast. The scenery made mince-meat of tourists’ valhallas like Nice, Costa Blanca and Blackpool. We were billeted in rooms back stage. The matinee was not too well booked, but the evening shows were a sell-out, and, of course, the show was forever improving, more and more gags being fed in. It was tending to become a ‘Hellzapoppin’. In the show, Sergeant Hulland sang ‘Jerusalem’, and during this we took up positions behind the curtain, all joining in harmony. Just for fun, Ernie Evans pulled the curtain to reveal the ‘Holy Chorus’ standing in underpants, towels, with some holding beer mugs.
“If that’s the promised land, I don’t want to know,” said Carter.
“I’ve just heard that the invasion of Sicily started at three this morning,” said Al Fildes in the interval.
At the end of the show we announced the news. The audience cheered. At last things were going our way.
Unknown artist’s impression of the chaos during Ohsonovitchs’ act in Stand Easy
Friday 9th July 1943
Fildes’ Diary:
Success again! Crazy Gang looking’ half nuts in insane selection of dressing up gear. Spike on Harry’s shoulders, trombone case on head.
Edgington is 6 ft 3 — so with me on his shoulders it made loft 6, a trombone case on my head made us fifteen feet high. I am draped from waist downwards in a huge curtain that obscures Edgington — underneath is Kidgell holding a pole, with a boxing glove on, which shoots out hitting the bloke in front who is walking backwards spitting out ‘pretend teeth’.
Sunday 11th July
My Diary:
End of Tour. Packing up to return to unit.
We set off on a glorious sunny morning, loaded with local wines, cheese, fruits etc. Sprawled on top of the scenery is Edgington, his giant-saxophone wrapped in the Tricolore.
“Is it dead?” I said.
Driver Kidgell realizes it’s twenty minutes since breakfast.
“Got any dates?” he asked hopefully.
“Yes,” I said. “January the third 1895, and March the seventh 1923.”
Back at Ain Abessa mail is waiting. “What’s this? — Income Tax demand 1938-9?”
“Sir, it has been brought to our notice that in the year 1938/9 you received payments of money as a professional musician (see Sub. d. 3, para 9, section 76). Will you please remit immediately a list of payments received, dates