Monty, his part in my victory - Spike Milligan [5]
My father was at the RAOC depot, he wore six guns and was teaching his men how to stop paratroops with a ‘quick draw’. His way of stopping Hitler would be to invite him to a game of Poker — then, at a crucial stage, call him ‘Ein cheat’.
He had been a wonderful father, and sometimes, a wonderful mother but kept you on a permanent high. Returning from having seen Richard Dix in ‘Cimmaron’, he’d kick our front door open, flatten against the wall, and say, “Cover me while I switch the hall light on.”
I remember watching the spectacular blaze of Crystal Palace from my bedroom window. Father observed it through binoculars, finally he lowered them. “Navajo!” he said.
Hitler, having lost at poker to Milligan’s father, wondering what he could sell to raise the money
NAZI NEWS FLASH
The scene:
The old Bar-Auschwitz.
Two guns blaze — Hitler falls dead — an amazed look on his face — Captain Milligan blows smoke from his guns, SS men step aside in fear, he backs out of the door, there is the sound of screeching brakes as he is knocked over by a dust cart.
14 May 1943. Afternoon to 15 May
My Diary:
Try to get watches off Iti POW’s.
I approached Iti POW.
“You got Tick Tock,” I said and did a superb mime of a watch. He took off his boots. “No. No — Tick Tock — watch…”
I got one for forty stale ‘V’ cigarettes. They must have killed him within the week; I hope so, the watch didn’t work. We got back to camp late, woke the sentry up and said “Good night!”
“Hi’ paratrooper!”
May 15th 1943
Off to Tunis again! The Arab drains! “Corrr Christtt,” said Edgington, “they’re worse than Maunders’ feet.”
“True!” I said, “it takes a thousand years of Arab culture to build up a pong like this, sniff it all up, tourists pay for this.”
“How do they know which one’s theirs,” said Devine observing women in purdah.
“Easy, outside every wog house there’s a weighing machine, and the husbands just check. ‘Ah it’s darling 16 stone 3 lbs.’”
“They must have stamina, having twenty wives,” said Devine.
“They don’t do ‘em all in one go.”
“Ah! but it must be a temptation, I mean, say you have it away with two, you doze off and you wake up at, say, 3 o’clock, you get up for a glass of water and well, it would be silly to go back to sleep when there’s another eighteen of ‘em crawling up the wall. That’s why the men wear those long night shirts in the day time, they got to be ready.”
Approaching are Gunners Musslewhite, Roberts and Wilson, riding donkeys and stoned: days later they were found in Sousse with no recollection of anything. Up before Major Chater Jack, the answer to his question, “What’s your excuse?” was ‘Pissed sir’.
“Such honesty cannot go unrewarded,” said Chater Jack, “case dismissed.”
Oudna
13 May 1943
History of the Regiment says we moved to OUDNA, I won’t argue. I was to drive the Major. “I chose you Milligan because you’ve never driven me before, and it’s time I had another accident.” It was a brief journey. Oudna was a must for suicides, a barren plain, bisected by a Roman Aqueduct, observing the ruins Gunner Collins remarked, “Cor, Jerry didn’t ‘arf bomb that.” He was never commissioned. We arrived in a great cloud of dust which improved the place. Each soldier’s features were obliterated. I could, however, tell many by the shape of their boots.
Boot Recognition Chart
May 15 1943
Edgington was standing outside my bivvy as I lay within. To an observer it would appear