Monty, his part in my victory - Spike Milligan [9]
We knotted our trousers together, gradually we managed the descent. Devine’s view from underneath must have been something.
“You’ve got moles on yer balls,” he said.
“A sign of beauty,” says Forrest.
“It is a beauty,” said Devine.
Our descent was being observed by Major Chater Jack, he passed his binoculars to his batman. “I don’t know if my eyes re playing tricks, but there appear to be 3 men climbing the aqueduct with no trousers on.”
“You’re right zur — they’re not going to do it up there!”
There the adventure ended.
Next morning, Chater Jack said, in passing, “There’s no need to climb that Aqueduct again, Milligan, the water own here is perfectly safe.”
Sgt Mick Ryan. No 1 on ‘A’ Subsection Gun; still wanted by the police
Victory Parade
20th May
There’s to be a Victory Parade!” Vigorous activity followed the announcement, some of it productive. ‘A’ subsection gun was chosen for the occasion, men swarmed over the piece, the result was a masterpiece of spit and polish, the 7 point 2 looked beautiful. “My God, we’ll never be able to fire that again,” said Sgt Ryan, “we’ll have to get permission from the Pope.”
May 20 1943
The ‘Beauteous Artillery Piece’ is limbered up and driven under wraps to Tunis. The Parade! Not since Armistice Day, Poona, had I seen the like; on the saluting base were Generals galore! Alexander, Eisenhower, Anderson, Giraud, Admiral Cunningham, Mr Macmillan.
Past the rostrum marched an incredible mixture of soldiers, Camel Corps, Spahis, Americans, Scots, the Irish, The Guards, Goumiers, Greeks, Poles, Czechs, Gurkhas, Rajputs, tanks, armoured cars, in the van came the Free French with that exciting sound of Bugles and Drums, all followed by a small black dog. Pity I didn’t have a camera. I’d have taken a picture of myself.
Tunis Victory Parade march past Derbyshire Yeomanry. Our battery’s gun m left hand corner. Note 1st Army shield.
General Eisenhower saluting
General Eisenhower not saluting
Order to Move No. 163897639.
We were to make a new camp on the hills at the back of Hamam Lif, a seaside town just outside Tunis. “It’s a sort of Brighton with camels,” says Tume. Our convoy took us through Tunis and out of the other side, at Hammam Lif we turned off the coast road and climbed the winding back road into the semi wooded hills of Djbel bou Kournime. There, on a plateau, we dispersed the vehicles and made camp. It had been whispered that Jerry indulged in ‘drag’ activities. Now…“What would I do, if I had women’s clothes in my big pack, and the enemy were closing in. Put ‘em on? No! Bury ‘em.” I started to prod the ground, finding a soft surface I dug down and lo! there, just below the surface: One brown dress, one pair of old fashioned bloomers, one padded bra, brown silk stockings. I reported the find to Chater Jack.
MAJOR CHATER JACK:
I can’t believe it, Milligan.
MILLIGAN:
It’s true sir.
MAJOR CHATER JACK:
You mean they dress up as women?
MILLIGAN:
Someone had to sir.
MAJOR:
I’d heard rumours.
MILLIGAN:
Yes they’re very loud sir, on a quiet night you can hear screams.
He handed the ‘evidence’ over to the Psychological Warfare Department who arrived and questioned me. A strange long-haired Corporal with a degree in Psychiatry; and BO said, “Why were you looking for women’s clothes?”
I told him it was my day off.
“Do you always look for women’s clothes on your day off?”
“Oh yes.”
“Why?” .
“It’s an inexpensive hobby, with hours of innocent fun. You see, I come from a large family, all girls.”
I could see his programmed psychiatric mind ticking on its predictable way.
“Did you like dressing up?”
“I loved it!”
“Have you told anybody else this?”
“My wife.”
“What does your wife do?”
“She’s in the Irish Guards.”
He gave me a terrible look and departed. I suppose right now he’s sitting behind a desk giving poor bastards tranquillizers and women’s underwear.
Hitlergram No. 136
HITLER:
Who has been giffing mein Afrika Korps zer drag clothes!
HIMMLER:
It vos me meiner Führer.
HITLER:
You dumb kopf!!