• Choose a category
• All
• Classic-Fiction

By Root 185 0

he had much to say on it),

But from the bad man's head

He took the cap that lay on it.



"No, great SIR HERBERT WHITE -

Impossible to take him up.

This man is honest quite -

Wherever did you rake him up?



"For Burglars, Thieves, and Co.,

Indeed, I'm no apologist,

But I, some years ago,

Assisted a Phrenologist.



"Observe his various bumps,

His head as I uncover it:

His morals lie in lumps

All round about and over it."



"Now take him," said SIR WHITE,

"Or you will soon be rueing it;

Bless me! I must be right, -

I caught the fellow doing it!"



Policeman calmly smiled,

"Indeed you are mistaken, sir,

You're agitated - riled -

And very badly shaken, sir.



"Sit down, and I'll explain

My system of Phrenology,

A second, please, remain" -

(A second is horology).



Policeman left his beat -

(The Bart., no longer furious,

Sat down upon a seat,

Observing, "This is curious!")



"Oh, surely, here are signs

Should soften your rigidity:

This gentleman combines

Politeness with timidity.



"Of Shyness here's a lump -

A hole for Animosity -

And like my fist his bump

Of Impecuniosity.



"Just here the bump appears

Of Innocent Hilarity,

And just behind his ears

Are Faith, and Hope, and Charity.



He of true Christian ways

As bright example sent us is -

This maxim he obeys,

'SORTE TUA CONTENTUS SIS.'



"There, let him go his ways,

He needs no stern admonishing."

The Bart., in blank amaze,

Exclaimed, "This is astonishing!



"I MUST have made a mull,

This matter I've been blind in it:

Examine, please, MY skull,

And tell me what you find in it."



That Crusher looked, and said,

With unimpaired urbanity,

"SIR HERBERT, you've a head

That teems with inhumanity.



"Here's Murder, Envy, Strife

(Propensity to kill any),

And Lies as large as life,

And heaps of Social Villany.



"Here's Love of Bran-New Clothes,

Embezzling - Arson - Deism -

A taste for Slang and Oaths,

And Fraudulent Trusteeism.



"Here's Love of Groundless Charge -

Here's Malice, too, and Trickery,

Unusually large

Your bump of Pocket-Pickery - "



"Stop!" said the Bart., "my cup

Is full - I'm worse than him in all;

Policeman, take me up -

No doubt I am some criminal!"



That Pleeceman's scorn grew large

(Phrenology had nettled it),

He took that Bart. in charge -

I don't know how they settled it.







Ballad: The Fairy Curate







Once a fairy

Light and airy

Married with a mortal;

Men, however,

Never, never

Pass the fairy portal.

Slyly stealing,

She to Ealing

Made a daily journey;

There she found him,

Clients round him

(He was an attorney).



Long they tarried,

Then they married.

When the ceremony

Once was ended,

Off they wended

On their moon of honey.

Twelvemonth, maybe,

Saw a baby

(Friends performed an orgie).

Much they prized him,

And baptized him

By the name of GEORGIE,



GEORGIE grew up;

Then he flew up

To his fairy mother.

Happy meeting -

Pleasant greeting -

Kissing one another.

"Choose a calling

Most enthralling,

I sincerely urge ye."

"Mother," said he

(Rev'rence made he),

"I would join the clergy.



"Give permission

In addition -

Pa will let me do it:

There's a living

In his giving -

He'll appoint me to it.

Dreams of coff'ring,

Easter off'ring,

Tithe and rent and pew-rate,

So inflame me

(Do not blame me),

That I'll be a curate."



She, with pleasure,

Said, "My treasure,

'T is my wish precisely.

Do your duty,

There's a beauty;

You have chosen wisely.

Tell your father

I would rather

As a churchman rank you.

You, in clover,

I'll watch over."

GEORGIE said, "Oh, thank you!"



GEORGIE scudded,

Went and studied,

Made all preparations,

And with credit

(Though he said it)

Passed examinations.