Mort - Terry Pratchett [39]
“You didn’t say how hard. Shall I do it again?”
“No-ooo, I don’t think so.” Cutwell thumbed through the pages of a yellowed book that had previously been supporting the table leg. “The pattern seems to make sense. Yes, here we are, Octogram 8,887: Illegality, the Unatoning Goose. Which we cross reference here…hold on…hold on…yes. Got it.”
“Well?”
“Without verticality, wisely the cochineal emperor goes forth at teatime; at evening the mollusc is silent among the almond blossom.”
“Yes?” said Keli, respectfully. “What does that mean?”
“Unless you’re a mollusc, probably not a lot,” said Cutwell. “I think perhaps it lost something in translation.”
“Are you sure you know how to do this?”
“Let’s try the cards,” said Cutwell hurriedly, fanning them out. “Pick a card. Any card.”
“It’s Death,” said Keli.
“Ah. Well. Of course, the Death card doesn’t actually mean death in all circumstances,” Cutwell said quickly.
“You mean, it doesn’t mean death in those circumstances where the subject is getting over-excited and you’re too embarrassed to tell the truth, hmm?”
“Look, take another card.”
“This one’s Death as well,” said Keli.
“Did you put the other one back?”
“No. Shall I take another card?”
“May as well.”
“Well, there’s a coincidence!”
“Death number three?”
“Right. Is this a special pack for conjuring tricks?” Keli tried to sound composed, but even she could detect the faint tinkle of hysteria in her voice.
Cutwell frowned at her and carefully put the cards back in the pack, shuffled it, and dealt them out on to the table. There was only one Death.
“Oh dear,” he said, “I think this is going to be serious. May I see the palm of your hand, please?”
He examined it for a long time. Alter a while he went to the dresser, took a jeweler’s eyeglass out of a drawer, wiped the porridge off it with the sleeve of his robe, and spent another few minutes examining her hand in minutest detail. Eventually he sat back, removed the glass, and stared at her.
“You’re dead,” he said.
Keli waited. She couldn’t think of any suitable reply. “I’m not” lacked a certain style, while “Is it serious?” seemed somehow too frivolous.
“Did I say I thought this was going to be serious?” said Cutwell.
“I think you did,” said Keli carefully, keeping her tone totally level.
“I was right.”
“Oh.”
“It could be fatal.”
“How much more fatal,” said Keli, “than being dead?”
“I didn’t mean for you.”
“Oh.”
“Something very fundamental seems to have gone wrong, you see. You’re dead in every sense but the, er, actual. I mean, the cards think you’re dead. Your lifeline thinks you’re dead. Everything and everyone thinks you’re dead.”
“I don’t,” said Keli, but her voice was less than confident.
“I’m afraid your opinion doesn’t count.”
“But people can see and hear me!”
“The first thing you learn when you enroll at Unseen University, I’m afraid, is that people don’t pay much attention to that sort of thing. It’s what their minds tell them that’s important.”
“You mean people don’t see me because their minds tell them not to?”
“’Fraid so. It’s called predestination, or something.” Cutwell looked at her wretchedly. “I’m a wizard. We know about these things.
“Actually it’s not the first thing you learn when you enroll,” he added, “I mean, you learn where the lavatories are and all that sort of thing before that. But after all that, it’s the first thing.”
“You can see me, though.”
“Ah. Well. Wizards are specially trained to see things that are there and not to see things that aren’t. You get these special exercises—”
Keli drummed her fingers on the table, or tried to. It turned out to be difficult. She stared down in vague horror.
Cutwell hurried forward and wiped the table with his sleeve.
“Sorry,” he muttered, “I had treacle sandwiches for supper last night.”
“What can I do?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“Well, you could certainly become a very successful burglar…sorry. That was tasteless of me.”
“I thought so.”
Cutwell patted her ineptly on the hand, and Keli was too preoccupied even to notice such flagrant