Mostly Harmless [31]
The woman had turned and was walking slowly towards him now. Arthur tried, without making it too obvious, to judge the wind direction, and bobbed about a bit as she approached.
"Advice," she said. "Advice, eh?"
"Er, yes," said Arthur. "Yes, that is -"
He frowned again at the brochure, as if to be certain that he hadn't misread it and stupidly turned up on the wrong planet or something. The brochure said "The friendly local inhabitants will be glad to share with you the knowledge and wisdom of the ancients. Peer with them into the swirling mysteries of past and future time!" There were some coupons as well, but Arthur had been far too embarrassed actually to cut them out or try to present them to anybody.
"Advice, eh," said the old woman again. "Just sort of general advice, you say. On what? What to do with your life, that sort of thing?"
"Yes," said Arthur. "That sort of thing. Bit of a problem I sometimes find if I'm being perfectly honest.' He was trying desperately, with tiny darting movements, to stay upwind of her. She surprised him by suddenly turning sharply away from him and heading off towards her cave.
"You'll have to help me with the photocopier, then,' she said.
"What?" said Arthur.
"The photocopier," she repeated, patiently. "You'll have to help me drag it out. It's solar-powered. I have to keep it in the cave, though, so the birds don't shit on it.'
"I see," said Arthur.
"I'd take a few deep breaths if I were you,' muttered the old woman, as she stomped into the gloom of the cave mouth.
Arthur did as she advised. He almost hyperventilated in fact. When he felt he was ready, he held his breath and followed her in.
The photocopier was a big old thing on a rickety trolley. It stood just inside the dim shadows of the cave. The wheels were stuck obstinately in different directions and the ground was rough and stony.
"Go ahead and take a breath outside," said the old woman. Arthur was going red in the face trying to help her move the thing.
He nodded in relief. If she wasn't going to be embarrassed about it then neither, he was determined, would he. He stepped outside and took a few breaths, then came back in to do more heaving and pushing. He had to do this quite a few times till at last the machine was outside.
The sun beat down on it. The old woman disappeared back into her cave again and brought with her some mottled metal panels, which she connected to the machine to collect the sun's energy.
She squinted up into the sky. The sun was quite bright, but the day was hazy and vague.
"It'll take a while,' she said.
Arthur said he was happy to wait.
The old woman shrugged and stomped across to the fire. Above it, the contents of the tin can were bubbling away. She poked about at them with a stick.
"You won't be wanting any lunch?' she enquired of Arthur.
"I've eaten, thanks,' said Arthur. "No, really. I've eaten.'
"I'm sure you have,' said the old lady. She stirred with the stick. After a few minutes she fished a lump of something out, blew on it to cool it a little, and then put it in her mouth.
She chewed on it thoughtfully for a bit.
Then she hobbled slowly across to the pile of dead goat-like things. She spat the lump out on to the pile. She hobbled slowly back to the can. She tried to unhook it from the sort of tripod-like thing that it was hanging from.
"Can I help you?" said Arthur, jumping up politely. He hurried over.
Together they disengaged the tin from the tripod and carried it awkwardly down the slight slope that led downwards from her cave and towards a line of scrubby and gnarled trees, which marked the edge of a steep but quite shallow gully, from, which a whole new range of offensive smells was emanating.
"Ready?" said the old Lady.
"Yes..." said Arthur, though he didn't know for what.
"One," said the old lady.
"Two," she said.
"Three," she added.
Arthur realised just in time what she intended. Together they tossed the contents of the tin into the gully.
After an hour or two of uncommunicative silence, the old