Mostly Harmless - Douglas Adams [69]
“What bird?”
“You haven’t seen it?”
“No.”
“Oh. It’s a lethal little thing. Looks pretty, talks big, collapses waveforms selectively at will.”
“What does that mean?”
“Temporal reverse engineering.”
“Oh,” said Arthur. “Oh yes.”
“The question is, who is it really doing it for?”
“I’ve actually got a sandwich in my pocket,” said Arthur, delving. “Would you like a bit?”
“Yeah, okay.”
“It’s a bit squished and sodden, I’m afraid.”
“Never mind.”
They munched for a bit.
“It’s quite good in fact,” said Ford. “What’s the meat in it?”
“Perfectly Normal Beast.”
“Not come across that one. So, the question is,” Ford continued, “who is the bird really doing it for? What’s the real game here?”
“Mmm,” ate Arthur.
“When I found the bird,” continued Ford, “which I did by a series of coincidences that are interesting in themselves, it put on the most fantastic multidimensional display of pyrotechnics I’ve ever seen. It then said that it would put its services at my disposal in my universe. I said, thanks but no thanks. It said that it would anyway, whether I liked it or not. I said just try it, and it said it would and, indeed, already had done so. I said we’d see about that and it said that we would. That’s when I decided to pack the thing up and get it out of there. So I sent it to you for safety.”
“Oh yes? Whose?”
“Never you mind. Then, what with one thing and another, I thought it prudent to jump out of the window again, being fresh out of other options at the time. Luckily for me the jetcar was there, otherwise I would have had to fall back on ingenious quick thinking, agility, maybe another shoe or, failing all else, the ground. But it meant that, whether I liked it or not, the Guide was, well, working for me, and that was deeply worrying.”
“Why?”
“Because if you’ve got the Guide, you think that you are the one it’s working for. Everything went swimmingly smoothly for me from then on, up to the very moment that I came up against the totty with the rock, then, bang, I’m history. I’m out of the loop.”
“Are you referring to my daughter?”
“As politely as I can. She’s the next one in the chain who will think that everything is going fabulously for her. She can beat whoever she likes around the head with bits of the landscape, everything will just swim for her until she’s done whatever she’s supposed to do and then it will be all up for her too. It’s reverse temporal engineering, and clearly nobody understood what was being unleashed!”
“Like me, for instance.”
“What? Oh, wake up, Arthur. Look, let me try it again. The new Guide came out of the research labs. It made use of this new technology of Unfiltered Perception. Do you know what that means?”
“Look, I’ve been making sandwiches, for Bob’s sake!”
“Who’s Bob?”
“Never mind. Just carry on.”
“Unfiltered Perception means it perceives everything. Got that? I don’t perceive everything. You don’t perceive everything. We have filters. The new Guide doesn’t have any sense filters. It perceives everything. It wasn’t a complicated technological idea. It was just a question of leaving a bit out. Got it?”
“Why don’t I just say that I’ve got it, and then you can carry on regardless.”
“Right. Now because the bird can perceive every possible universe, it is present in every possible universe. Yes?”
“Y … e … e … s. Ish.”
“So what happens is, the bozos in the marketing and accounting departments say, ‘Oh, that sounds good, doesn’t that mean we only have to make one of them and then sell it an infinite number of times?’ Don’t squint at me like that, Arthur, this is how accountants think!”
“That’s quite clever, isn’t it?”
“No! It is fantastically stupid. Look. The machine’s only a little Guide. It’s got some quite clever cybertechnology in it, but because it has Unfiltered Perception, any smallest move it makes has the power of a virus. It can propagate throughout space, time and a million other dimensions. Anything can be focused anywhere in any of the universes that you and I move in. Its power is