Moxyland - Lauren Beukes [4]
It's ugly, but the effect, even cumulatively, is nowhere near as annoying as the relentless twitter of the motherbitch. I pause at a stall selling plastic belts and cellphone covers and Fong Kong sunglasses to get her a talking Hello Kitty taser that yelps for 'help' incessantly in five different languages. The vendor tries to sell me one from under the table, rather than the squawking sample that got my attention. Once they're activated, he says, you can't turn the damn things off. Better take a new one, still in the box. But I tell him it's absolutely perfect and transfer the full asking to his phone, not even bothering to haggle. He can't even keep up the pretence of being offended. Cash talks, baby.
Between the short cut, dodging the herd of cyclists who try to run me down on the promenade, and stopping to check out the surf – negligible; the sea stretching between Mouille Point and Robben Island looks greasy and flaccid, but that doesn't mean it won't be cooking on the corporate beaches – I'm already an hour late.
I slide into the motherbitch's usual booth at Nova Deli by the window, playing it charming, even patting that disgusting mutacute she insists on carrying around with her, draped off her neck like an albino tiger slothmonkey scarf. It bares its neat little teeth at me, the only thing at this table brave enough to express how it really feels.
'Oh Pretzel, stop that.' Motherbitch taps it on its nose and it starts making these grovelling, warbling, purring sounds. I wish she could have settled on one species or two max. These multiple mash-up jobs make me queasy.
She is sucking on a nutradiet. She blows a punctuation mark of vitamin-enriched smoke in my direction. 'Did you call the Sunshine Clinic?'
'Oh, hey, I'm fine thanks, mom. Just great. Thanks for asking. Got a regular DJ gig now, Thursday nights at Replica. Met a cute girl. Several, actually. Nothing serious, no grandkidlets on the way or anything, sorry to say. Swivel's cool, bit disarrayed, but it just hasn't been the same since you stopped paying for my cleaning service. All ordinary, you know. Oh, and you'll be happy to know my ratings are up. Who said I have no ambition? Well, apart from you, obviously, but in light of this, I really think you're going to have to reconsider. I'm streamcasting live now, by the way. So if you have anything particularly entertaining to say, go right ahead. This is a good time. And how is Tyrone? Or was it Wynand? I do struggle to keep track. Which reminds me, I bought you this. In case, you know, you need to put one of them in his place.'
I slide the Hello Kitty taser across the table towards her. It's still bleating. 'That's "help" in like five different languages, right there.'
The waiter materialises with two rooibos lattes, like I even drink that herbal shit. While he's fussing with the coffees, motherbitch plucks up the cartoon cat canister in her napkin and drops it neatly onto the waiter's tray, with the same cool efficiency she used to dispose of the rain spiders that probably still hang out in the kitchen.
'Your father and I have been talking.'
'That's a first time.'
'We've managed to agree on your problem.'
'Can I have one?' I ask, reaching for the pack of nutradiets.
'No, Tobias, honestly. They're calibrated for my bio-rhythms exactly. They'd just make you sick.' Which is a lie straight