Mussolini_ His Part in My Downfall - Spike Milligan [40]
And he marched them down again.
When they were up they were up
And when they were down they were down
And when they were only half way up
They were Buggered!
Good evening Friendssssss! Ching!
We are on a mountain road with a gradient of one in four. We halt. “Dismount!” We climb out. On the right side of the road is a Church, semi-Gothic style. Just behind it is the Vicarage. The road opposite flanks a high bank with several footpaths leading up to a cave set in a sort of browny-red sandstone.
“That’s it,” says Bombardier Fuller, riding up on his mo’ bike. “That cave; get all the Command Post stuff in there.”
We struggle and strain with all that bloody stuff we’ve carried so many times before. Edgington has developed the oriental carrying posture, balancing a battery on his head. We all copy and march Indian file up the slope chanting, ‘Sandy the wise, Sandy the strong’.
“How long is this going to last?” he says.
“With time off for good conduct by the time you’re eighty-three the future is yours.”
Lieutenant Budden hoves to. “Has anyone seen Mr Wright?”
“Yes, sir,” I said, “I saw him yesterday.”
He looks at me in despair and says, “Can’t you take anything for it, Milligan?”
Out of politeness I asked where the guns were.
“They’re in the woods somewhere.”
“Where are the woods, sir?”
“Ah! That’s another question.”
“Get the vehicles off the road and under cover.”
We walk around muttering, “The woods are full of ‘em!”
The lethal voice of Major Jenkins is penetrating the air. We drive up the slope and on to a small muddy plateau with numerous trees. We follow a small trail to the high bank. Under the trees we camouflage G truck.
“Jerry’s been shelling the area, better dig in,” says Bombardier Deans.
Dig? One thing I don’t dig is digging. I’m not the first to spot the possibilities of sleeping in the church.
I move my kit in that evening. In the aisle is a catafalque mounted on a trestle. The catafalque is all black velvet with a great black cloth to cover the whole thing. What the hell! It looks great inside, so I make my bed in it. If I get killed in the night, I’m all ready. Great fun, I am asleep in my catafalque, Bombardier Trew comes in to wake me up for my spell of duty. He is unaware of my macabre resting place. Gradually I arise from my box with the black velvet cover over my head. I let out a terrible howl and Bombardier Trew screams ‘ ‘Ghosts’ and runs for his bloody life, and I find him gibbering in the Command Post to Lt. Budden.
An OP has been established on Monte Croce. Not again! Rain!!! Where does the stuff come from??? There’s to be a big attack on Monte Camino, it’s the 201 Guards Brigade to do the dirty work. I can’t lie here, I must do something to help the war effort. I do. I go to the cookhouse for dinner. What’s this I hear? That hungry bugger Kidgell, he’s been having one dinner here, then running across to the American Battery next to us and scrounging another. He must have hollow legs.
“The attack goes in tomorrow night,” so speaks Major Jenkins, who for once has deemed to tell us what’s happening. I am on Command Post duty up till 11.30. Mr Wright is duty officer. In between firing he reads the Daily Express. At 1100 hours the thing called Edgington comes in, it carries a mug ahead of it.
“Good news,” he says, he looks very merry, he should, there’s been a rum ration and he’s had his and a little more. “I’ve got yours here.” He poured a measure into my mug.
“A Merry Christmas to you all,” I said.
He empties a pocket full of chestnuts, soon they are roasting on our fire, and splitting open with a little bang. They taste delicious!!
“Alf Fildes is feeling groggy,” he tells us. “He’s got a sore throat so has gone to bed in the back of his truck.”
There is nothing like a 15-cwt truck for a sore throat. Vic Nash is coming on duty. “Oh my poor guts,” he says.
“He’s got the shits! Keep away,” we all say and cringe in the corner.
The guns report difficulty with the platforms, mud is making it increasingly difficult; each time they fire, the gun slithers in a circle. We can hear