Mussolini_ His Part in My Downfall - Spike Milligan [86]
Like a jig-saw puzzle we all fit into place around the table. We sat on an assortment of chairs, stools, tins, logs. We are served, as is the tradition of the Royal Artillery, by the Officers and Sergeants. Lieutenant Walker is the wine waiter; himself having partaken of several pre-lunch drinks he is missing the glasses by a substantial amount. Gunner Musclewhite has a lap full of white Chianti, and Gunner Bailey is getting red wine among his greens. The Sergeants are ladelling out tinned turkey, pork, beef, roast potatoes, sprouts, carrots and gravy. None of our ‘waiters’ are quite sober and there is an overlap at the end of the dinner when Sgt. Ryan is pouring custard over the turkey. As the wine takes effect, the chatter and laughter increase. For duff we have Christmas pudding and custard.
“‘Urry up, you buggers,” said Sgt. ‘Daddy’ Wilson, “we’re waitin’ to ‘ave ours.”
There seemed endless helpings and unlimited supplies of red and white wine, but it was a long way from the Dickensian Christmas around a log fire in the parlour, with Grandma and Grandpa present. However, when you are pissed, all that nostalgia goes out the window. Gunner Smudger Smith stands on his chair and sings ‘Bang away Lulu’.
Bang away Lulu,
Bang away Lulu,
Bang away, good and strong,
What you gonna do
When you want a blow through
And yer Lulu’s dead an’ gorn.
The Sergeants and Officers are returning, carrying makeshift trays laden with bottles of beer, oranges and nuts. Smudger calls for a toast to ‘the Orficers and Sarnts’. There follow more toasts to the Regiment, the King, and in fact anybody. I distinctly heard, “Gentlemen, the toast is Anybody.”
’Daddy’ Wilson, eldest member of the battery, aged 93
We gave the Sergeants and the Officers a cheer and in that order. We left the table lookin like Genghis Khan’s horse-men had galloped over it. I felt as though they’d galloped over me. There was aught but sleep it all off. We washed our mess-tins in the three separate troughs—WASH, RINSE, DISINFECT, for those interested in detail—these were made from oil drums sawn in half and filled with the requisite liquid. In fact there was to be a ‘Quickie’ in the concert where ‘Brutarse’ stabs Julius Geezer, then proceeds to Wash, Rinse and Disinfect the murder weapon.
Those who had thoughts of getting into Naples were frustrated, as the city was declared out of bounds due to typhus. “Merry Typhus,” some of them were saying. The great moment is drawing nigh, the Concert! The audience are arriving early, most of them with bottles of beer stuffed in their coats. The programmes they are reading were as below:
* * *
PROGRAMME OF CONCERT
Introduction: Spike Milligan and Erbs (Session No. 1).
Joe Slater (vocalist, tenor): “As Time Goes By’.
Sgt. King, normally known as Ross King: “The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God’.
THE ROYAL HORSE HILLBILLIES (otherwise Milligan, Edgington, Fildes, Kidgell and White).
George Shipman (baritone): “Shipmates o’ Mine’.
Webster: Scotland for ever.
THE GREATEST ITEM EVER. ALLINSCRAP: Man Mountain Deans (142lb including tin hat & Small Arms) versus The Barnsley Basher (Rollicking Robinson, 156 ½ lb including truck, less tools) Referee: The Younger Griff.
Community Singing: All the old favourites, led by Spike.
BSM Griffin (The Ancient Griff): “The Great Mystery’.
Douglas Kidgell: Songs you all know and hate.
Reg Griffin, assisted by Ken Deans (Spike No. 2).
L/Bdr. A. Smythe, otherwise known as Smudger Smiff.
Sgt. Lawrence: “Air-burst by Guinness’. 13a. Doug mad act.
Duke Edgington at the piano.
Bags of Back-Chat from Joe Kearns.
Spike Milligan and the Erbs once again.
Leslie Spence.
Command Post Follies.
Scene 1—the only one!!! Same as before! In the Field.
Cast in order of appearance.
Gunner and overworked Ack: Lt. R. D. Walker, RA
Sergeant: Gnr. V. Nash
1st Subaltern GFC 1: L/Bdr. Milligan T.
2nd Subaltern GFO 2: Bdr. Deans K.
Battery Captain: Gnr. Edgington H.
Battery Commander: L/Bdr.