My Fair Lazy - Jen Lancaster [56]
AltgeldShrugged—Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.
AltgeldShrugged—Purple monkey dishwasher.
AltgeldShrugged—I’d chose me, but only if I were Kelly Taylor and didn’t want to date old men.
AltgeldShrugged—Yous are lazy? Mine are always “blah blah blah business plans, blah, sustainable growth, and solid P&L.” My monkeys suck.
AltgeldShrugged—I would kill each and every one of you (well, not you jessedup) for a very small cheeseburger with a pickle and mustard on an itty-bitty bun.
AltgeldShrugged—I keeed! I keeed! I would only rob you for your wee, wee (but not pee-related) itty-bitty burgers.
AltgeldShrugged—I can stagger like a muthafuckin ninja. (Typed that wroed ninja weong but had the wherewithall the fix it.)
AltgeldShrugged—You say it like findifng my shoes (or my feet) is an option right now.
AltgeldShrugged—am getting al;l cookied up in honor o0f casey’s biethdyay. She likes it when I gets slurry.
AltgeldShrugged—FYI? THis? Right here? Is why I was so poipular in collage.
AltgeldShrugged—Having a relazed sense of moreal turpitude didn’t hurt either.
AltgeldShrugged—Mrs. Kutcher, you’re washing cars? Wowie, I guess the economy is hitting everyone harder than expected.
AltgeldShrugged—Yegatory.
AltgeldShrugged—Just lost a bunch of followers. But if they don’t like Sauvignon-Ambien Jen, why the fuck where they even hanging around?
AltgeldShrugged—I find college rewarding, too. All those little pictures sitcking on top of each toher.
AltgeldShrugged—No but last week I orderd $4k of bedroom furniture. They showe d up and I was all SURPRISE! Oh, wait.
AltgeldShrugged—Neither, you’ll end uip with three pole dancers name Tiffany shoing up at yoru place in twenrty minutes.
AltgeldShrugged—Pfft, not a rant. This is what I DO. Must remember to save this to end a chapter in some lateR book.110
AltgeldShrugged—And it’s floral. What’s supresad is i’ve had one wee ambien andone wee glass of wine. Fatasslightweight.
AltgeldShrugged—Glass emptyee pill digested, peanute btutter bpretzels, tastey, bednowyeskthxbai.
AltgeldShrugged—HEY YOU PEPIOLE ARE MOCKING ME . . .Not undesrrtverd, but still Mocking. I’ll go to bed & be unpleasantly surprised whenb I log on in the AM.
AltgeldShrugged—Internet = 1, Jen’s dumb ass = 0
D AltgeldShrugged—Godspeed, ninja. Am strealing that. Good night. Off to PotteryBarn.com . . .
The good news is there’s no evidence I did any online shopping last night.
The bad news is at some point after this dialogue, I had a run-in with a can of spray tan.
This is probably why I should never pack early.
To: angie_at_home, stacey_at_home, wendy_at_home, poppy_at_ home
From: jen_at_home
Subject: yet another Jen-point quiz
You are out of town at a business dinner with a bunch of book buyers from an important retailer. After you do an excellent job of regaling your companions with recitations on Chicago theater, Impressionist art, and the blues, you find yourself out of highbrow conversational material.
What do you do next?
a. You thank everyone for a truly lovely evening, refuse the last glass of wine, and return to your hotel, savoring the victory of not having made an ass out of yourself.
b. You quietly smile and nod while other topics are being discussed, causing all diners to believe you’re wise and knowing and that you’re the kind of still water that runs deep.
c. You not only slug down the last glass of wine, but you insist the table order another bottle because you’re just warming up to launch into a fifteen-minute diatribe about how that screaming nancy-boy Adam Lambert massacred “Ring of Fire” last month on American Idol and how you hope that Johnny Cash returns from the grave to stomp all over his poseur ass.
d. You encourage, nay, insist the entire group drink the restaurant out of a particular vintage but then accidentally ruin the party atmosphere when casually recounting a conversation where