My Fair Lazy - Jen Lancaster [66]
“Great. But, um . . . at what point did you purchase the drugs?”
“Shoot, I almost forgot! The lady starts to put my various teas into these metal containers, and in my head I’m all ‘Why do these look familiar?’ and I realize these are the exact canisters they found in Claire Danes’s backpack in the movie Brokedown Palace! Filled with drugs! And I’m all ‘Holy shit, the TSA is going to think I’m transporting drugs—which may or may not be the case because what the fuck is bird tongue and why was she winking? I’m going to get sent to a Thai prison!’ So I ask the lady, ‘Hey, am I going to have trouble taking these on the plane? Won’t someone think these big containers of leaves are drugs?’ Then she says, ‘Oh, just put my card with them. They’ll know they’re from a tea shop.’ ”
“Ha! Right! You won’t get hassled because you have a business card! It’s the perfect crime; Colombian drug lords do it this way all the time. I know because I watched a special about in on the Discovery Channel.”
“Really?
“No, dumb ass! I’m kidding. And why would you go to prison in Thailand? Do they have a special dumb-ass extradition deal with the U.S.?” Angie’s laughing so hard she’s practically choking, but I can hear that she’s trying to be supportive.128 “Listen, if you’re so worried, why don’t you just FedEx the stuff back home instead of carrying it with you to . . . ? Where are you headed next?”
“Los Angeles.”
“Instead of carting your drugs to LA, you mule.”
“They aren’t drugs!129 You’re right, though. Shipping is a smart idea. I’ve already done it a couple of times. Actually, on Monday I bought Fletch a jacket in Portland, and I sent the package to his office since he’s not home during the day to get it. The thing is, I included some of my laundry in the box because I’d overpacked. And when he got it yesterday, he was all ‘Thanks for sending your dirty underpants to my office. That wasn’t weird to show the guys in security at all.’ But since he works in the Sears Tower and they screen every box pretty closely, I’ll just send it to my house. Excellent call. Oh, hey! Taxi! Taxi! Yay! A cab is stopping!”
“Okay, I’m going to let you go. Where are you off to? More shopping?”
“Oh, God, no. I can’t spend any more money. Seriously, I just bought all the tea in China.”
“No, you bought all the tea in Chinatown. Travel safely, see you soon, and go have some protein!”
“I will. Thanks! Bye!” I hop into the cab, placing my bag of canisters on the seat.
“Where to, miss?”
I quickly run through my mental Rolodex of all the enriching activities left to do in San Francisco. I could check out the MoMA or the DeYoung Museum or, if I want to keep with today’s Oriental theme, I could hit the Asian Art Museum. I could stroll in the Yerba Buena gardens or I could explore any one of the dozens of art galleries. I could buy a classic book and read it in one of a hundred picturesque settings. I could do an architectural tour or visit Dave Eggers’s learning center at 826 Valencia. I could have any cuisine I want at some of the world’s best restaurants. All I have to do is tell my driver where I want to go.
“Can you take me to the place with the sea lions?”
Don’t judge me.
I had as much culture as I can handle for one day.
Besides, I’m sure they don’t sell gremlins on Pier 39, and I could really use a corn dog.
To: stacey_at_home
From: jen_at_home
Subject: Whitesnake
Still haven’t gotten the hang of these stupid extensions yet.
I just tried to let the hair go all curly, and when I was done drying it, I was all, “Hey! I look just like Tawny Kitaen!”
Then I went downstairs to show Fletch and he was all, “Wow, you look just like David Coverdale.”
Argh.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Shear Jenius
“Tell me everything!”
“I don’t even know where to start,” I say. Stacey and I are seeing each other for the first time in six weeks. “Then again, nothing I’ve done was nearly as cool as what you were doing.”
Stacey and her friends are back from a three-week