My Fair Lazy - Jen Lancaster [68]
“Nice. ‘Would you like to die a horrible death on this canyon curve or would you prefer to be ten minutes late? ’Cause I’m cool either way.’ ”
“Exactly. We finally get to a street where the traffic’s at a crawl, and I’m all ‘Whew! Not dead!’ And we were out of the canyon, where there’s spotty cell reception, so I wanted to call Fletch and see how he was doing. While I’m talking to him, I see something out of the corner of my eye. There’s some idiot in traffic next to me, and he’s waving his arms wildly and shouting to a bunch of people eating out on the sidewalk. Plus, he’s this huge guy in a tiny convertible. Like, he could never put the top up because he was too big. Seriously, he was like a monkey driving a Matchbox on YouTube or something. All he needed was a fez. I tell Fletch about it and I’m all ‘What’s with that asshole?’ ”
Stacey grits her teeth. “I hate Los Angeles. Every time I go there, I hope it’ll be the last time.”
“Yeah, I’ve been saying it should just break off into the sea for years.131 I just don’t get that place. I mean, the weather’s beautiful, but I would never, ever put up with the hassle of trying to get from point A to point B. It’s as crowded as New York, but lacks New York’s panache. Like, New York is elbow to elbow but it’s because the city’s so filled with exciting stuff. All I saw in LA was tattoo parlors, cosmetic surgeons, and strip malls. Also, everyone wearing Ed Hardy? No.” I feel claustrophobic 132 just thinking about LA and that makes me itchy again. I put my pencil back to work. “Anyway, we drive past the arm-waggling jackass, and I turn around because I want to see what kind of mutant he is.”
“What was wrong with him?”
“What was wrong with him was that he was Vince Vaughn.” Stacey’s eyes widen. “And,poof!Just like that the crush I’ve had on him since Swingers vanished. The way he was carrying on in that car was like he really believed he was money, and it was gross. But it’s fine because I’ve totally already transferred my crush to Denis Leary.”
“He is a beautiful man. People don’t always see that because he’s so damn funny. Also, he’s really tall!” Stacey worked as a roadie back in college 133 and met him a few times. “What else is going on?”
“Oh, you know how I wrote a lot about my college roommate Joanna in Pretty in Plaid?”
Joanna and I were BFF until she graduated and moved home to Chicago. We never fought or had any kind of falling-out, except for that one time when we were freshmen and I was stupid134 and decided to divide the room in half with a giant piece of duct tape like on some sixties sitcom. Otherwise, we were more like sisters than friends. Over time, though, our lives led us in different directions, and we lost touch. I hadn’t even talked to her for about twelve years; then a few months ago, I found her on Facebook and we reconnected.
“I’m at my Chicago signing, reading a piece about her, and way at the back of the crowd, I see a hand go up. And the person says, ‘I’m Joanna, and I just want to say how proud I am of you.’ Honest to God, that was the very best moment of the whole tour.”135
“Aw, that just made my heart smile,” Stacey says, hugging her arms into her chest.
“Doesn’t it? We’ve been hanging out lately, and it turns out she’s the exact same person I always loved. We promised that we’re never going to lose each other again. She was such a positive influence on me, always countering my cynicism with happiness and joy. I feel really lucky to have her back in my life.”
“I suspect she’s got some great stories.”
I snort in an unbecoming fashion. “You think I’m a dumb ass now? You should have seen me at seventeen. Anyway, the best part is Fletch and I went to Joanna’s house last week, and I got to hang out with her husband and kids. She has kids! I’m all ‘How can you