My Journey with Farrah - Alana Stewart [45]
June 15, 2008
Tonight, Farrah and I watched a documentary called The Heart of Healing. It’s about cancer and different diseases and what a huge role the subconscious mind plays in healing. According to the documentary, our emotions have a great impact on our immune system, and when we get angry or upset or scared, our adrenaline goes right down to the lymph, where our killer cells hang out. God, my killer cells must all be wearing helmets! Farrah was fascinated with the message of the documentary. This whole experience with cancer has made her realize how much stress has impacted her health. I’ve seen her make a conscious effort to keep stress at a minimum in her life. I don’t know if there is one golden rule on how to do this—we all have to find our own way. For me, a lot of it has to do with putting everything in its proper perspective. Sometimes it’s as simple as taking a deep breath and asking myself, “How important is this to me? Is it worth getting myself upset over? How much does it matter?” Sometimes you just have to “let go and let God.”
June 17, 2008
I was in Farrah’s room with her and Dr. Jacob today, having a competition about cancer. We’ve both developed a bizarre and morbid sense of humor during all of this.
“Well, you only had cancer for a day,” Farrah said.
“So?” I replied. “That still makes me a cancer survivor, right?” I looked at Dr. Jacob for confirmation.
“We don’t know yet,” the doctor said, and laughed that hearty laugh of hers.
“Oh, great. Thanks a lot,” I said. We were all laughing at the time, but afterward, when Dr. Jacob and I were in my room alone, I brought up the subject again.
“I thought it was gone. They got it all, right?” I asked.
“Alana, there is never a guarantee it won’t come back. You have to be checked very carefully from now on. You should also have an ultrasound of your kidneys and liver every six months. You have all these latent viruses, and your immune function is lowered. Your killer cell count is half of what it should be. You have to take care.”
Now I’m feeling an icy fear in my chest. “Do you think the PET scan will be okay?” I asked.
“Yes, I think so. Now don’t worry,” she admonished as she left the room. But she could see the look of anxiety on my face. “It’s normal to feel this way,” she said. “You’re still in shock. First, going through all this with Farrah, and then finding out about your own brush with cancer.”
I hadn’t been able to cry in weeks, and suddenly I started weeping. She said it was good for me not to hold it in.
“And Sean,” I sobbed through my tears. “He doesn’t feel well. He says he feels weak all the time. He said the only time he feels good is when he’s here.”
“Alana,” she said, “it’s his brain. And he must not do drugs or alcohol.”
“Even when he’s sober, he still has problems focusing and says that his body feels weak.” I was sobbing so hard I could barely get my words out. “Can he get better?”
“Yes,” she said. “The stem cells repair his brain, but when he drinks or does drugs, it destroys them.”
I tell her I’m worried about Ashley, too, all the years he used drugs.
“Alana, your children are grown. You have to think about yourself now.”
“But I love them so much. I don’t want anything to happen to them,” I managed to get out through the tears.
“Your children will be okay. You must not worry so much,” she said gently, patting my hand.
Easy to say. I tell her I’m worried about my kids, I’m worried about myself, and I’m worried about Farrah. Life just feels hopeless.
“It’s not hopeless at all, Alana. And there is hope for Farrah, too. We are doing all these new treatments, and I really do think this new trial chemo program with Dr. Forman in Los Angeles can help her.” Then she left, saying she would give me a natural medicine that would help calm the circus of emotions inside me.
I cried a little more and felt much better. I’ve probably needed a good cry for a long time now. I can even take a deep breath now, which I haven’t been able to do in months.
Later
Mimmo called around five and I said I would come over for