My Journey with Farrah - Alana Stewart [81]
I am not giving up, but in my heart I wonder if it’s still possible for her to rally one more time. She’s a far cry right now from the strong, resilient, fighting Farrah who always bounced back no matter what. I feel sad, but not hopeless. I know there has been a tremendous spiritual healing with Farrah and with Ryan, and I believe even Redmond, although he’s not here. I can’t give up believing there can still be a miracle, even in the face of what seems to be grim reality. I worry about Ryan and Redmond if the worst happens. I know they’ll be devastated. We all will. But after all, she’s Red’s mom and has been Ryan’s love for over thirty years. I’ll be there for them in any way I can. I feel like we’ve all become family now, bonded together in loving Farrah.
June 7, 2009
I went to the hospital yesterday. Ryan had been there for several hours. She had another surgery yesterday to remove the port. She was very weak and still, barely able to speak from all the medications. I held her hand and stroked her head. I’ve noticed that her hair is growing back nicely, and that seems like a good sign. Ryan stood at the foot of her bed. “Are you comfortable?” he asked. She couldn’t manage to get any words out, but she laughed. Just a tiny little smile/laugh that said, “Comfortable? Are you crazy? Do I look comfortable?” We all laughed with her. She still has her sense of humor.
June 8, 2009
Mimmo called this morning. He calls once a week and asks how I am, how is Farrah, how are my dogs, Lolita and Bliss, etc., etc., etc. I told him as well as I could, since I haven’t been practicing my Italian anymore, that I returned his call the other day, and when the machine at his home answered, it said something like “You have reached Mimmo and Nina…” I hung up without leaving a message, but it struck me that she’s obviously living with him. He said that she stays there a lot and something about her cell phone not working. I felt like maybe it was finally time to just close this door.
“You have a girlfriend,” I said. “We won’t be seeing each other again, so I don’t see any reason for you to continue to call me.”
“But aren’t we friends?” he replied. I wanted to say, “No, you jerk. You have a girlfriend, and I’m not interested in having another friend. And I don’t like the way you handled things between us.” But instead I simply explained that our romance was over, he had a new amore, and I didn’t see any reason for us to keep talking. He was very taken aback, but finally accepted it. He said, “Ciao,” and so did I, and we hung up.
I felt relieved and sad at the same time. It needed to end; it needed closure. I still have some resentment toward him, and I have to work on forgiving him and letting it go. Our romance served its purpose for a period of time, but it had nowhere to go and I suppose we both knew it. Perhaps if I’d been in love with him, things could have been different. I would have made more of an effort to be with him. I guess his practicality got the best of him. She was there and I wasn’t. Better to love the one you’re with than be with the one you love. Anyway, it’s over, I’m alone, but there’s so much going on in my life, it’s the last thing I can think about. Sometimes I feel lonely, and it would be nice to have someone to share my life with, but if it’s meant to be, then it will be. Meanwhile, I have a lot to deal with, and so does Farrah.
June 9, 2009
Ryan called from the hospital last night so excited. He was with Farrah and they’d just finished watching the Lakers game. She was a little stronger and much more lucid. He said they had a wonderful time together, and he asked her to marry him! She said yes!
I screamed with joy. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? The two of them belong