Mysteries - Knut Hamsun [130]
Suddenly, his hands outstretched: Ah, there again I saw the infinite interconnectedness of all things! Oh, what brightness, what brightness! The great explanation was just vouchsafed to me, at this very moment, in the middle of the room! There were no riddles anymore, I saw to the bottom of everything. Oh, what brightness, what brightness!
Pause.
Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay! I’m a stranger among my fellow humans, and soon the clock will strike. Oh well ... And besides, what do I have to do with the great men? Nothing! Except that I find the very idea of great men to be a farce, just humbug and fraud! Good! But isn’t everything a farce, sheer humbug and fraud? To be sure, to be sure, everything is a fraud. Kamma and Miniman and everyone else, love and life—all is a fraud; everything I see and hear and perceive is a fraud, even the blue of the sky is ozone, poison, insidious poison.... And when the sky is quite clear and blue, I quietly sail about up there, letting my boat ripple on through the fraudulent blue ozone. And the boat is of aromatic wood, and the sail—
Dagny herself said it was very beautiful. Dagny, you did say it! Anyway, thank you for saying it, and for making me so happy that I trembled with joy. I remember every word and carry it all with me as I walk along the road pondering everything, I won’t ever forget.... And now you’re going to win, when the hour strikes. I won’t pester you anymore. Nor will I show myself on the fire wall; I said that out of revenge, and you must forgive me. No, I’ll come to you and wave my white wings around you as you sleep, and follow you when you are awake, whispering sweet nothings in your ear. And when you hear me, perhaps you will even give me a smile, yes, perhaps you will, if you feel like it. And if I won’t have white wings myself—if, that is, my wings shouldn’t be very white—I’ll ask an angel of God to do it for me, and I won’t come near you myself but hide in a corner and see you smile at him, perhaps. That’s what I’ll do, if I can, to atone for some of the worst harm I’ve done you. Oh, the very thought makes me happy, I wish I could do it at once. Perhaps I can please you in other wonderful ways as well. I’ll be glad to sing above your head on Sunday morning as you go to church, and I’ll ask the angel to do the same. And if he won’t do it for me and I can’t persuade him to, I’ll throw myself down before him and beseech him more and more humbly until he answers my prayers. I’ll promise to do him a kindness in return, and I’ll also give him something and do him ever so many good turns if he’ll be so kind.... I’m pretty sure I’ll manage, I can’t wait to begin, I’m overjoyed at the thought of it. And it won’t be long now before the time comes, I’ll try to speed it up, with pleasure at that.... “Think of the day when all mists will have vanished, la la la la....”3
Happy and exalted, he ran down the stairs and entered the dining room. He was still singing. Then by mere chance his jubilant high spirits were promptly dashed, making him feel embittered for several hours. He sang as he ate a hurried breakfast, standing up at the table; though he was not alone, he didn’t sit down. When he noticed that the other two guests were sending him angry looks, he quickly apologized: had he noticed them before, he would have behaved more discreetly. He neither saw nor heard anything on such days! Wasn’t it a glorious morning? Why, the flies were buzzing already!
But he received no answer, the two strangers looked as displeased as before and went on with their dignified political discussion. Nagel’s mood plummeted. He fell silent and quietly left the dining room. After visiting a shop down the street to get some cigars, he set out for the woods as usual. It was half-past eleven.
People never changed, did they! There they sat, those two lawyers or agents or landowners, or whatever they were, discussing politics in the dining room and looking hateful and sour just because he happened to be humming for joy in their presence. Chewing away at their breakfasts with an exceedingly reasonable air,