Naamah's Curse - Jacqueline Carey [108]
He stopped stock-still. “The D’Angeline Queen?”
I glanced at him in surprise. “I thought you knew. You were so kind to me.”
“That you cared for her, yes, but…” Words failed him. “Did my uncle know?”
I sighed. “Yes, Aleksei. What did you think I was shouting about in the temple? He took great pleasure in extracting every detail, twisting, perverting, and tarnishing my happiest memories.”
Aleksei just stared at me.
“You see?” I said to him. “This is why I could never be the wife and helpmate you envision. You’re not seeing me as I am, Aleksei. Not yet. You’re seeing me as you think I ought to be.”
“What is wrong with wishing to see you perfected in God’s eyes?” he whispered. “A God of love, not punishment?”
“Nothing.” I set out walking again, forcing him to come after me. “Except that it will not happen. I told you before, I am a child of the Maghuin Dhonn, and I will die before I betray Her. And,” I added, “I am a child of Naamah and Anael, too. I cannot swear a sacred oath to serve them over the Maghuin Dhonn Herself, but I am grateful to allow Naamah to use me as her vessel when she sees fit. And when Anael the Good Steward makes his will known to me, I will obey that, too.”
With his long legs, Aleksei caught up to me easily. “So that’s why you cannot love me? The gods will not allow it?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I am sorry, Aleksei, truly. I didn’t know how you felt. And I thought you knew, I thought your uncle had shared the catalogue of my sins with you. It isn’t only a question of faith. There’s someone else.”
His voice took on a savage note. “Other than this Cillian, other than the D’Angeline Queen.”
“Aye,” I said coolly. “Other than Raphael de Mereliot, other than the carriage-driver not even your uncle knew about. Would you have me make my confession to you?”
“No! No, it’s just…” His voice trailed away.
I sighed again. “I know, I know! You had a dream, and I dashed it. You took me by surprise, you know. I didn’t expect you to entertain such heretical fantasies.”
“Why do you think I struggled so hard against it?” he asked. “Why do you think I went to such extreme measures?”
I shrugged. “Ordinary mortal desire was enough to terrify you. How was I to know it was more than just that?”
“I suppose you weren’t,” Aleksei admitted. He walked without speaking for a while. “So who is he? This other?”
Unable to help myself, I glanced over my shoulder toward the south where Bao’s diadh-anam guttered so disturbingly low. “It’s a long story, and it’s difficult to explain. There are parts of it you will find blasphemous. And I will tell you one day, but I don’t feel like it tonight. He’s very far away, looking for me in the wrong place, and I’m worried about him.”
“You know where he is?” he asked.
“Always, except when I was in chains.” I rubbed my face wearily. “We’re joined together, Bao and I.”
Mercifully, Aleksei didn’t press me. The dusk deepened, stars and a ghostly half-moon emerging in the soft violet-blue sky. The sound of bird-song faded. Dusk gave way to true darkness, the moon and stars brightening to light our way. Slowly and steadily, step by step, we made our way north.
An hour or so before dawn, I suggested that we break once more for sleep. I would need more rest if I were to be able to summon the twilight in daylight tomorrow. Aleksei nodded in agreement, and we left the road, stumbling through the pine-scented darkness until we found a good place to make camp.
Once again, I curled gratefully onto the pine-mast, half-asleep by the time I pillowed my head on my scarf.
“Moirin?”
Aleksei’s voice jolted me awake. “Aye?”
“If you truly love this other man, how can you offer to invoke Naamah’s blessing for me?” he asked.
“Oh…” I yawned in the darkness. “It is possible to love more than one person, Aleksei. But that