Naamah's Curse - Jacqueline Carey [224]
She didn’t. Instead she pulled away from me, looking hurt. “If that is what you think, mayhap I should leave.”
“No!” I couldn’t bear to lose even a dream-Jehanne. I caught her hand. “No, please. Stay.”
“Then you won’t say no to me?” Jehanne asked, smiling. “I beg you, don’t make me pout, Moirin! It’s tiresome, and it never worked very well on you anyway.”
I laughed.
Still smiling, Jehanne regarded me beneath her lashes with those star-bright eyes. My heart ached with loss and yearning, and I knew that even though none of this was real, there was no way I could ever say no to her.
“No.” I touched her cheek, her skin as fine as silk. “No, Jehanne. I will not say no to you.”
Her expression softened. “I only want to know you haven’t forgotten me, Moirin.”
I shook my head, feeling the sting of tears in my eyes once more. “Not in ten times a thousand years, my lady. I promise.”
“Thank you,” Jehanne whispered, and kissed me, first with infinite tenderness, and then with all the sweetness of desire, her tongue darting past my lips, the scent of night-blooming flowers and her all around us. Ah, gods! I had missed her so very much, and I wanted her so very badly. Sighing with pleasure, I unfastened the brooch on her ermine-collared cloak and let it fall to the ground, laying the graceful white lines of her throat and shoulders bare so I might kiss them, taste her silken skin—
And I awoke with a jolt in darkness.
My heart contracted painfully in my chest, a profound sense of loss growing so acute that an involuntary cry escaped me.
Startled out of a sound sleep, Bao scrambled wildly out of bed, reaching for his staff. “What is it?” he asked fiercely. “Moirin! What?”
An unreasoning wave of panic overcame me, words spilling out of my mouth. “Bao, I can’t marry you! I can’t! I’m not… I’m not a wife-type person! I love you, I do, but I can’t promise to love you and you alone for the rest of my life! That’s like… like asking me to love autumn, but not spring and summer! Or trees, but not flowers!”
Having determined we were in no immediate danger, Bao kindled a lamp and gazed at me with sleepy bewilderment. “Trees? Flowers? What in the world are you talking about?”
“You! Me! Us! Marriage!” I shook my head frantically. “I can’t do it, Bao! I can’t. I’m sorry! I may be many things, but I’m not an oath-breaker!”
He knelt on the bed and took my shoulders in his hands. “Moirin, calm down!”
“I can’t!”
“You can.” Bao gave me a gentle shake. “Calm down and breathe, you crazy woman, and tell me what this is about.”
It helped. I forced myself to breathe slowly, my thudding heart and racing pulse easing. “I dreamed of Jehanne.”
He looked confused. “Was it a bad dream?”
“No.” I flushed. “Not exactly. She wanted me to promise my marriage changed nothing between us. And… I did. I promised I would never say no to her. I… um, very much began to say yes instead.”
Bao’s expression turned grave. “It was only a dream, Moirin. I know you loved her, and a part of your heart will always be hers. But your Jehanne is no longer with us.”
“I know!” Tears spilled from my eyes, and I wiped impatiently at them. “But I wanted her—”
“Moirin,” Bao interrupted me. “I am not stupid, you know. I know you. I do not suppose I’m wedding some dull merchant’s daughter. I do not expect you to become a respectable matron. I am not asking you to swear any oath you cannot keep.” He shrugged, sitting on his heels and laying his hands on his thighs. “For whatever reason, the gods have joined us together, and I cannot imagine living without you. Can you?”
“No,” I murmured. “But—”
“But what?” He smiled a little. “Tomorrow,