Naamah's Kiss - Jacqueline Carey [155]
"Good." Raphael shouted for his footman Jean-Michel, who came at a run. "Pack a pair of saddlebags and see that my medical kit's in order," he said brusquely. "I'm riding to Namarre."
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CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
With Brother Ramiel for a guide and an escort of four royal guardsmen and a footman, Raphael de Mereliot and I rode to Namarre.
It was a horribly uncomfortable journey.
For the first few days, Raphael didn't deign to speak to me. Brother Ramiel made some effort to soothe the troubled waters between us, but he didn't have my father's gift and Raphael's determined silence soon quelled him. I'd come to be friendly with a number of the Queen's guards, but these were the King's men and strangers to me.
We pushed the horses as hard as we dared, and I was grateful for the times when a swift pace made conversation impossible. When we slowed to a walk, the silence was deafening.
All around us, the world was awakening from winter's sleep, the last snows melting, trees beginning to bud. Any other time, I would have taken joy in it. Now all that burgeoning life seemed a cruel reminder that I didn't know if we'd find my father alive or dead.
On the fourth day, Raphael's shell of silence cracked.
"I don't understand it," he announced out of nowhere. "You have a gift, Moirin. A gift no one else in the world possesses. Gods! You have the potential to do great things." He turned his frustrated gaze on me. "Why in the name of Blessed buggering Elua would you give it up to become Jehanne's lap-dog?"
The others kneed their mounts and jogged a discreet distance ahead of us.
"I didn't," I said softly. "Raphael, whatever gift I possess, it was never what you wanted it to be. It's not endless. I'm not endless. Using it as I was on your behalf was killing me slowly."
His nostrils flared. "And yet you're willing to use it on your father's behalf."
"Aye," I said. "Call me selfish if you will. I only just met him. I don't want to lose him."
"How nice for you to be given that choice," Raphael said bitterly.
I closed my eyes, remembering. The cold water, the uplifting arms, the ragged voice. "I'm sorry."
He lowered his voice. "One success in the Circle's endeavor could save a thousand fathers' lives."
"So you say." I felt weary.
"Oh, the prospects are real." Raphael rubbed his nose. "I've proof of it. The goddamned ants are coming out of hibernation."
I wanted to say that it was a trick, that the spirits they summoned were ancient and clever, and it was always going to be a trick. But in the back of my mind, I heard the black-maned lion Marbas' soundless roar, and the topaz gem he had placed in my thoughts winked. The charm to reveal hidden things, a gift unasked for. So I kept my thoughts to myself and said only, "I gave you my oath. I'll do as you wish."
"Good."
"Raphael…" I wished there were some way I could reach him. "Why does it matter so much? Why do you want it so badly?"
He didn't answer for a moment. "If you have to ask, you'll never understand."
"I might if you told me," I said.
Raphael glanced at me, then looked away, his mouth hardening. "Practice your lap-dog skills elsewhere, Queen's confidante. I told you once before to stay out of my head. I'm telling you again."
"It might be good for you to speak of it," I murmured.
"Gods!" He raised his gaze skyward. "Why in Blessed Elua's name did destiny place you in my path if not for somewhat truly worthwhile? It makes no sense!"
My diadh-anam pulsed inside me, faint but insistent. "I'd like to know that myself."
"Well, you'll not find the answer in Jehanne's bed," he said in a cruel tone.
"Did you?" I asked pointedly. Raphael looked back at me, eyes darkening with anger. I held his gaze. I had as much right to be angry as he did.
In the end, he broke off his gaze. "This isn't conducive to healing. Better we not talk than quarrel, Moirin."