Naamah's Kiss - Jacqueline Carey [204]
Now the princess was staring at me incredulously, but I couldn't stop myself.
"In matters of love and desire, she was fearless." The words spilled out of me. "Jehanne never apologized for loving two different men, or for loving me, either. She insisted on holding a farewell progress to make sure all of the City knew I was leaving with honor, and she was very beautiful and smelled nicer than anyone I've ever known." My voice rose. "And I've not even begun to touch on my father, who I'd only just found, nearly lost, and liked very much! I know that's naught to what you've endured, but I didn't choose this. And… and I am not just an inconvenient necessity or a useful tool for other hands to wield. I am a person with thoughts and feelings of my own."
Snow Tiger stared at me a moment longer. "Are you finished?"
It occurred to me that I could probably lose my head for speaking to the Emperor's daughter thusly. "I am."
"I am sorry for your loss," she said in her formal tone. "Although I do not pretend to understand exactly what you were talking about, clearly you are grieving, and I am adding to your burden." She squared her slender shoulders. "This, I do understand. I killed my bridegroom, a man I may well have grown to love, with my bare hands."
"I know," I murmured.
"I thought it was the work of a demon-spirit within me," the princess said in a clear, precise voice. "As did everyone. And I reviled my own weakness that I should fall prey to such a creature. So did almost everyone around me." She ticked them off, one finger at a time. "Servants who once fawned on me are grateful to be excused from attending me. Warriors who swore to follow me unto death shun me. My tutors…"
Her voice trailed away.
"Aye?"
She gathered herself. "Swordmaster Wu has gone into exile of his own accord. Master Guo, who taught me calligraphy and poetry, filled his sleeves with stones and waded into a lake. He is dead now."
My heart ached. "I'm sorry, my lady."
Her shoulders lifted and fell. "For over a year, every day I thought of taking my own life in shame. Every day. Two things stayed my hand, over and over. One is the knowledge of the grief it would cause my father. The other is the fear that if I took my own life, the demon that inhabits me would be free to prey upon another." Her face shone with unexpected hope. "Ah, but… things are different now. Would it free the dragon if I were to die?"
No. The dragon was succinct, offering nothing further.
"He says it would not," I said softly.
"I heard." The momentary brightness faded. Snow Tiger folded her hands in her lap and gazed at me, delicate frown-lines etched between her brows. "So. All these long months, I have struggled to cling to my sanity, holding on to the faint thread of hope that Master Lo Feng's return offered. You, I did not expect. For a second time, my world has been turned on its head. Although it is very much a change for the better, there is a great deal that I do not understand. I cannot fathom why Black Sleeve would do such a thing. I cannot imagine how Lord Jiang would sacrifice his own son to such a terrible fate. In these precious hours of peace your magic affords me, I am struggling to make sense of it all. I am sorry if you find me remote."
I smiled wryly. "Given the circumstances, I cannot exactly blame you for it. It is an awkward way to begin an acquaintance."
"Yes." Snow Tiger flushed, but she didn't look away. "It is not that I am ungrateful. But it is… awkward, yes." She cocked her head. "Why are you here?"
"Oh…" I sighed. "Because my diadh-anam