Naamah's Kiss - Jacqueline Carey [27]
"I don't want a proper wife!" he shouted at me. "I want you!"
I thought that might have changed matters between us, but the next time Cillian returned he was all smiles.
"You're not barren," he informed me.
"Oh?" I raised my brows at him. "Are you a midwife now?"
"No." He settled himself comfortably on the hearth. "But I spoke to a woman who is. And she spoke to another, who spoke to another, who recalled old tales her granddam told her from when the old Master of the Straits was overthrown and D'Angelines first came to Alba." He pulled me onto his lap. "We live in a remote corner of the world. Seems it's common knowledge in Bryn Gorrydum. Like it or not, you're half-D'Angeline, Moirin, and you take after your father's kind. It's different for you. You'll not be fertile until you beseech their goddess Eisheth to unseal the gates of your womb."
"Truly?"
"Truly." Cillian nuzzled my hair. "Elsewise, I'd have gotten you with child ten times over, wouldn't I? And then you'd have to wed me."
I laughed. "Oh aye, like my mother wed my father."
His face darkened.
"Ah, now, don't." I laid my hand across his lips. "If it's true, it's wonderful news. Can you not just let me enjoy it?"
He nodded reluctantly, and we spoke no more of it that day.
That night, I told my mother.
She gazed at me in shock, her lips parted. "Is he certain?"
I'd thought she'd be happier about it. "Aye," I said. "Fairly so. He says it's common knowledge in Bryn Gorrydum. Cillian wouldn't lie," I added, offended on his behalf if that was what she suspected. "Not about this."
"No," she murmured. "No, I suppose not." Her dark gaze was fixed on the distance. "If it's true, it changes things."
A shiver ran the length of my spine. "What things?" She didn't answer. A rare wave of anger swept over me. "Stone and sea, Mother! Is there to be no end to the secrets you keep from me? My parentage, my namesake, the bright lady… what of the funds held in trust for Alais' line?" I'd been waiting for the right moment to ask her, but now it just came out along with everything else. "Were you ever going to tell me about that?"
She looked startled. "What?"
"A trust in Bryn Gorrydum—" I shook my head impatiently. "No mind. What were you going on about now?"
"I forgot about the trust." Her voice was soft. "Forgive me. It's yours to draw on if you wish. I've a signet ring my own mother gave me hidden away somewhere. That's the token. I'll find it if you like."
"Mother."
She stirred the embers of our hearth-fire with a long stick. "Among our people, a year after you enter womanhood, you're to be presented to the Maghuin Dhonn Herself to be accepted as one of Her children."
"Or not?" I asked, chilled.
"Or not." She nodded. "She does not always show Herself."
I was silent for a while. "What happens if She doesn't?"
"Oh." My mother poked at the fire, her head averted. "If She did not, it would be because your heart had changed when you crossed the threshold from child to adult. It happens, sometimes. Your gifts would fade. You would no longer feel welcome among us and would wish to leave." She lifted her head and her eyes were bright with tears. "I swear to you, I've no idea what will happen when you pass through the stone door. I only know I fear it."
"Why?" I whispered. "Do you think She will not have me?"
She was honest. "I don't know."
"Because of the bright lady? Naamah?" I found myself on my feet and pacing. "Or the other one? The Good Steward, Anael? Or is it because of Cillian?"
"Mayhap all." Her voice was steady. "Mayhap none."
I was trembling. "I am your daughter! I am one of Her children! I asked to be nothing more! If I am not, who am I?"
"Yourself."
One word, steady and sure. It drained away my anger. I sank down on the hearth and put my head in my hands.
"Forgive me." My mother's voice floated above me. "Oengus and I… When your courses didn't come, we thought it best to wait. And I didn't wish to worry you without cause. I should have told you."
"Yes."