Naked in Dangerous Places - Cash Peters [67]
Were you aware that June 6 is Memorial Day in South Korea? I wasn't. Or that some people celebrate the Feast of Saint Norbert of Gennep on that day? Or that it marks a number of epic watersheds: the D-Day landings in Normandy (1944), the death of Robert F. Kennedy (1968), the launch of Soyuz 11 (1971), and Roosevelt's New Deal (1934)? Not to mention the birth of Tony Yeboah, Ada Kok, and James “Munky” Shaffer? (Just thinking aloud, but it's possible I may be the most famous person ever born on June 6. And I'm not famous at all!)
Then, at the very bottom, tagged onto these momentous events, was a personal note: “Cash, congratulations on the launch of this incredible endeavor!!”
He even called me at home as the initial episodes were about to air, very excited as always. “Did you get my gift?”
Oh boy. My own show and a gift, too!
“No,” I said, “I didn't. Is it a car?”
I'd read about networks handing out Porsches to stars as a thank-you for taking time out from their busy celebrity schedule to show up to work …
“No, it's not a car,” he replied, shocked.
… just not this network, evidently.
Still hopeful, in case he was kidding, I hurried downstairs to the front door and found, waiting for me on the step outside …
An envelope.
“Oh.”
Inside was a gift voucher. For four free massages at a spa in West Hollywood.
Hm. Okay.
Sweet gesture.
Please don't think I didn't appreciate it, because I did. Spas are lovely. I like spas.
And anyway, it's the thought that counts, right?
But…
Actually, there is no but. Spa treatments make a great gift.
It's just that…
A car would have been nicer, that's all I'm saying.
Now, let's move on and put this ugly scene behind us.
12
The Emir's New Clothes
In the beginning, when we first embarked on the series, our plan was to break new ground in reality television by being authentic, honest, and courageously laissez-faire. That is to say, we'd turn up unannounced in a place, mingle for real with the community, befriend interesting strangers, visit their homes, and generally improvise our way from pillar to post without a plan, letting the whole thing develop organically, the way life does, to see how it all worked out. Then at least we could say we were remaining true to our brief of being a genuine people show filled with knockabout spontaneity.
Unfortunately, by the time we reach Dubai, all of that has flown out the window.
The backbone premise, “guy arrives in strange culture with no money and scrounges meals and assistance off complete strangers” won't fly in the Middle East. In fact, the idea of knockabout spontaneity is not only frowned upon here, it can earn you a lengthy prison sentence.
“Dubai is a benign dictatorship,” our fixer, Nick, warns grimly at the hotel on the first day. A scruffy young Londoner with a baby face, he's freelanced on several TV shows out here as a producer and has been hired to help us negotiate this, the trickiest of cultures. “The country is ruled by Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum and the Maktoum family according to Islamic law, and what they say goes, mate.”
It wasn't always like that. At one time this region was run by a group of feudal clans. Back then, the A1 Maktoums were part of the Bani Yas clan. Then, in 1833, they broke away and took over Dubai, where they've been in charge ever since. They own it, they run it, it's theirs. If you don't like it, then take your ball and leave.
“Whatever happens,” the show's senior coordinator, Rick, told me before I left L.A., “watch what you do and say in Dubai. That means no innuendo. Don't touch or hug people. And most definitely no, repeat no, religious, risqué, or gay jokes of any kind—okay?”
No hugging or gay jokes? Jeez, that's a bit harsh.
Seems Islam has yet to embrace the fun, vivacious side of homosexuality. Despite Dubai's outward pretense to Western-style openness and freedom, the people are extremely uptight. It's certainly no Lesbos, that's for sure. Anyone flaunting the love that dare not speak its name could easily end up in prison, then deported.
In other news: