Native Son - Richard Wright [162]
“Kind, hell! She wasn’t kind to me!”
“What do you mean? She accepted you as another human being.”
“Mr. Max, we’re all split up. What you say is kind ain’t kind at all. I didn’t know nothing about that woman. All I knew was that they kill us for women like her. We live apart. And then she comes and acts like that to me.”
“Bigger, you should have tried to understand. She was acting toward you only as she knew how.”
Bigger glared about the small room, searching for an answer. He knew that his actions did not seem logical and he gave up trying to explain them logically. He reverted to his feelings as a guide in answering Max.
“Well, I acted toward her only as I know how. She was rich. She and her kind own the earth. She and her kind say black folks are dogs. They don’t let you do nothing but what they want….”
“But, Bigger, this woman was trying to help you!”
“She didn’t act like it.”
“How should she have acted?”
“Aw, I don’t know, Mr. Max. White folks and black folks is strangers. We don’t know what each other is thinking. Maybe she was trying to be kind; but she didn’t act like it. To me she looked and acted like all other white folks….”
“But she’s not to be blamed for that, Bigger.”
“She’s the same color as the rest of ’em,” he said defensively.
“I don’t understand, Bigger. You say you hated her and yet you say you felt like having her when you were in the room and she was drunk and you were drunk….”
“Yeah,” Bigger said, wagging his head and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Yeah; that’s funny, ain’t it?” He sucked at his cigarette. “Yeah; I reckon it was because I knew I oughtn’t’ve wanted to. I reckon it was because they say we black men do that anyhow. Mr. Max, you know what some white men say we black men do? They say we rape white women when we got the clap and they say we do that because we believe that if we rape white women then we’ll get rid of the clap. That’s what some white men say. They believe that. Jesus, Mr. Max, when folks says things like that about you, you whipped before you born. What’s the use? Yeah; I reckon I was feeling that way when I was in the room with her. They say we do things like that and they say it to kill us. They draw a line and say for you to stay on your side of the line. They don’t care if there’s no bread over on your side. They don’t care if you die. And then they say things like that about you and when you try to come from behind your line they kill you. They feel they ought to kill you then. Everybody wants to kill you then. Yeah; I reckon I was feeling that way and maybe the reason was because they say it. Maybe that was the reason.”
“You mean you wanted to defy them? You wanted to show them that you dared, that you didn’t care?”
“I don’t know, Mr. Max. But what I got to care about? I knew that some time or other they was going to get me for something. I’m black. I don’t have to do nothing for ’em to get me. The first white finger they point at me, I’m a goner, see?”
“But, Bigger, when Mrs. Dalton came into that room, why didn’t you stop right there and tell her what was wrong? You wouldn’t’ve been in all this trouble then….”
“Mr. Max, so help me God, I couldn’t do nothing when I turned around and saw that woman coming to that bed. Honest to God, I didn’t know what I was doing….”
“You mean you went blank?”
“Naw; naw…. I knew what I was doing, all right. But I couldn’t help it. That’s what I mean. It was like another man stepped inside of my skin and started acting for me….”
“Bigger, tell me, did you feel more attraction for Mary than for the women of your own race?”
“Naw. But they say that. It ain’t true. I hated her then and I hate her now.”
“But why did you kill Bessie?”
“To keep her from talking. Mr. Max, after killing that white woman, it wasn’t hard to kill somebody else. I didn’t have to think much about killing Bessie. I knew I had to kill her and I did. I had to get away….”
“Did you hate Bessie?”
“Naw.”
“Did you love her?”
“Naw. I was just scared. I wasn’t in love with Bessie. She was just my girl. I don