Night Train to Memphis - Elizabeth Peters [163]
‘And what did you say?’
‘Something stupid, I guess. It’s a stupid question, Schmidt! Loving someone condemns you to a lifetime of fear. You become painfully conscious of how fragile people are – bundles of brittle bones and vulnerable flesh, breeding grounds for billions of deadly germs and horrible diseases. And loving a man like John is tantamount to playing Russian roulette. He can’t help being the way he is, he’ll never change, and that life-style doesn’t offer much hope for a long-term relationship, does it? I’ve been fighting my feelings for a long time, longer than I wanted to admit, because I knew that once I gave way it would be all the way, no holding back, no reservations. That’s the way I am. And he . . . It’s not just physical attraction . . . Are you laughing, Schmidt? So help me God, if you laugh at me – ’
‘But who could not laugh? You, of all people, so prim and proper with the poor old gentleman. I was not always old, Vicky, and I have not forgotten what it is like to feel as you do. But I still do not understand what is holding you back.’
‘It’s not me, damn it! It’s John. He’s gone all sentimental and noble and self-sacrificing on me. I hoped I was wrong, but I couldn’t think of anything that would change his mind, he’s so arrogant and stubborn, and he’d have called me by now if he meant to, it’s been almost two weeks, and having her call instead was a deliberate sign – ’
Schmidt whipped out his handkerchief. ‘Weep, my dear Vicky. Break yourself down. It will relieve you.’
‘Thanks, I think I will.’
He moved his chair closer to mine and put his arm around me. He felt as comforting and soft as a huge pillow, and warm besides. When I finished blubbering I saw there was another cup of coffee in front of me, with a double order of Schlag on it. Schmidt’s ideas of consolation are based on whipped cream and chocolate.
‘So,’ said Schmidt in a businesslike voice. ‘That is better. We can seriously discuss the problem. I will accept your assumption that this is how he feels, for you are in a better position to know than I. Can you explain why he should feel so? For surely now your position is safer than it has ever been. He is not under suspicion by the police and you have an excuse for enjoying an acquaintance that began openly and legitimately.’
‘John Tregarth isn’t wanted, no. But Sir John Smythe and a couple of dozen other aliases are, and not only by the police. Max assured us he held no grudge, but John obviously didn’t believe him, and how many others like Max are there crawling around in the woodwork? That’s what has him worried, Schmidt. Not just worried – terrified. I thought he was feeling guilty about her until the night before we left Egypt, and then . . . It was me he was having nightmares about. He was reliving that awful hour with Max and the others, and dreading what would happen – not to him, to me – if he didn’t pull it off. He kept repeating, “It was too close,” and he didn’t mean coming too close to murder, he meant . . . Oh, hell. Do you understand what I’m saying?’
‘Yes, I understand,’ Schmidt said, frowning. ‘It is very – ’
‘If you say romantic I’ll slug you.’
‘“Touching” was the word I had in mind. More than touching. Beautiful! Yes, yes, it is what I would expect from such a man. He fears to endanger you, and so he will stay away. Is that what you want?’
I had resigned myself to a long poetic tirade. The direct question startled me into the truth. ‘No.’
‘But he may be in the right,’ Schmidt said. ‘He knows more than you of the possible dangers.’
‘He has no right to make that decision for me. God damn it, Schmidt, it’s the same old macho crap you guys always try to pull and it’s not based on chivalry but on pure selfishness – tuck the little woman away in some safe place so you won’t have to worry about her. What about us worrying about you? If you follow me.’
‘Oh, I do,’ said Schmidt. ‘I follow you very well.’
My eyes fell. ‘Touché, Schmidt. I know; I’ve done the same thing to you. But in this case – in both cases – the damage is already done. Once you care about