No One to Trust - Iris Johansen [38]
“You could have had an abortion.”
“No, I couldn’t. That wasn’t an option I was able to accept.” She looked down into her cup. “But I was planning on giving him away after he was born. I hated those months. My swollen body and his child inside me … It was as if he’d finally found a way to beat me.”
“And when Barry was born?”
“I wouldn’t even look at him. Dominic took care of him after the birth while we were trying to find a home for him. Then one night, when Barry was about six weeks old, Dominic was down with the flu and I had to care for the baby.” She paused, remembering. “I sat there rocking him and he smiled at me. I know they’re not supposed to really smile at you at that age, but Barry did smile. It wasn’t like any other smile I’d ever seen. I think God wanted him to tell me something.”
“That you should take care of him?”
“No, that he was his own soul and deserved a chance.” She smiled tremulously. “It’s a beautiful soul, Galen. From the beginning he was full of love and joy and wonder. There’s nothing of that monster in Barry.”
“I believe you.”
“You don’t really know him. He’s … special.”
“And you’re afraid Chavez would change him?”
“No. Barry has a strong, loving nature, and I don’t believe it can be twisted. But what Chavez can’t conquer, he destroys. Barry’s only a little boy. I don’t know if he could survive him.” She drew a deep breath. “But he’s not going to have to try. Chavez isn’t going to get his hands on him.”
“How did Chavez find out about Barry?”
“Dominic kept contact with someone in the rebel group. He still believes a lost soul can be saved. We were betrayed.”
“By whom?”
She didn’t answer for a moment. “My brother, Luis. He works as an informant for Chavez now.”
“So much for family feeling.”
“Family feeling doesn’t stand a chance against a kilo of cocaine. Luis has been on drugs for years.”
“Chavez again.”
“Yes.”
“It must have been tough for you.”
She nodded. “I loved Luis. You can’t just turn feeling off and on. God knows I’ve tried.” She pushed her chair back. “I’m going to bed. Good night.”
“Good night.” He rose to his feet and followed her out into the hall. “Try to have pleasant dreams.”
“Sometimes you can’t control your dreams.”
“You surprise me. I thought you could control everything these days.”
She looked back over her shoulder. “Don’t try to make me feel better about the way I behaved tonight. I know you probably think I was weak.”
“No, you were human. There’s nothing weak about you.” He met her gaze. “Everyone’s entitled to let their guard down occasionally.”
“When do I get to see you do it? Never mind.” She started up the stairs, then she turned to face him as she reached the landing. “You’ve been kind to me tonight. I … thank you.”
“Oh, for God’s sake. All I did was listen.”
“No, you did more than that. I’ll remember.”
“See that you do. You never can tell when I’ll decide to collect. I don’t suppose you’re going to be sensible and stay out of that gym from now on?”
She shook her head. “I have to face it until it doesn’t hurt me any longer. That time with him is still dominating me, twisting my life, changing what I am. I didn’t realize that until tonight. I have to find a way of freeing myself.”
“Then I guess I’ll have to think of a way of speeding up the process. All this lingering gloom depresses me.”
“You have nothing to do with this.”
“That’s what I keep telling myself.” He met and held her eyes. “It’s not working.”
She went still. She couldn’t tear her gaze away.
“Go to bed.” He turned away. “I have to go wash those cups. A man’s job is never done.”
She gazed after him. What had happened in that last moment of contact? He hadn’t touched her, hadn’t said a word that wasn’t simply meant to comfort her. Yet that single glance was enough to cause a wave of heat to tingle through her. It shouldn’t have happened. Particularly not tonight. She had been mentally reliving that period of sexual horror and brutality, and she should have felt only revulsion, as she had with other men. But it