Nocturnes_ Five Stories of Music and Nightfall - Kazuo Ishiguro [25]
“What were you saying?” I asked. “It sounded particularly self-pitying, but I was busy so I missed it.”
“I’m at the hotel. It’s only a three-star. Can you believe the cheek! A big company like them! And it’s a poxy little room too!”
“But you’re only there for a couple of nights …”
“Listen, Ray, there’s something I wasn’t entirely honest about earlier. It’s not fair on you. After all, you’re doing me a favour, you’re doing your best for me, trying to heal things with Emily, and here I am, being less than frank with you.”
“If you’re talking about the recipe for the dog smell, it’s too late. I’ve got it all going. I suppose I might be able to add an extra herb or something …”
“If I wasn’t straight with you before, that’s because I wasn’t being straight with myself. But now I’ve come away, I’ve been able to think more clearly. Ray, I told you there wasn’t anyone else, but that’s not strictly true. There’s this girl. Yes, she is a girl, early thirties at most. She’s very concerned about education in the developing world, and fairer global trade. It wasn’t really a sexual attraction thing, that was just a kind of byproduct. It was her untarnished idealism. It reminded me of how we all were once. You remember that, Ray?”
“I’m sorry, Charlie, but I don’t remember you ever being especially idealistic. In fact, you were always utterly selfish and hedonistic …”
“Okay, maybe we were all decadent slobs back then, the lot of us. But there’s always been this other person, somewhere inside of me, wanting to come out. That’s what drew me to her …”
“Charlie, when was this? When did this happen?”
“When did what happen?”
“This affair.”
“There was no affair! I didn’t have sex with her, nothing. I didn’t even have lunch with her. I just … I just made sure I kept seeing her.”
“What do you mean, kept seeing her?” I’d drifted back into the kitchen by this time and was gazing at my concoction.
“Well, I kept seeing her,” he said. “I kept making appointments to see her.”
“You mean, she’s a call girl.”
“No, no, I told you, we’ve never had sex. No, she’s a dentist. I kept going back, kept making things up about a pain here, discomfort of the gums there. You know, I spun it out. And of course, in the end, Emily guessed.” For a second, Charlie seemed to be choking back a sob. Then the dam burst. “She found out … she found out … because I was flossing so much!” He was now half-shrieking. “She said, you never, ever floss your teeth that much!”
“But that doesn’t make sense. If you look after your teeth more, you’ve less reason to go back to her …”
“Who cares if it makes sense? I just wanted to please her!”
“Look, Charlie, you didn’t go out with her, you didn’t have sex with her, what’s the issue?”
“The issue is, I so wanted someone like that, someone who’d bring out this other me, the one that’s been trapped inside …”
“Charlie, listen to me. Since the last time you called, I’ve pulled myself together considerably. And quite frankly, I think you should pull yourself together too. We can discuss all of this when you get back. But Emily will be here in an hour or so, and I’ve got to have everything ready. I’m on top of things here now, Charlie. I suppose you can tell that from my voice.”
“Fucking fantastic! You’re on top of things. Great! Some fucking friend …”
“Charlie, I think you’re upset because you don’t like your hotel. But you should pull yourself together. Get things in perspective. And take heart. I’m on top of things here. I’ll sort out the dog business, then I’ll play my part up to the hilt for you. Emily, I’ll say. Emily, just look at me, just look how pathetic I am. The truth is, most people are just as pathetic.