Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [41]
If a calm discussion seems unlikely, try writing a letter to your spouse. Explain in simple terms what mediation is and why you want to try it, and give an estimate of the costs and time involved. Then give your spouse some time to think about the idea. You might suggest that your spouse take a look at one of the books about mediation listed at the end of this chapter.
Follow up with a phone call when you think that both you and your spouse might be ready to talk. Be prepared to answer questions and concerns your spouse might have.
Being Prepared for Your Spouse's Concerns
If your spouse is worried about possible bias, you can also explain that mediators are trained to be neutral and not favor one party over the other. On the issue of cost, mediation has the potential to be faster than having lawyers negotiate for you because a skilled mediator can help you cut to the chase, identify the issues, and work together to resolve them. Even if you hire a consulting attorney, the process still may go more quickly and, thus, be less expensive. (See "What Does Mediation Cost?" above.) And whether or not it is faster or cheaper, you always have the advantage of being in control of your own process, rather than turning it over to the lawyers and courts.
Lots of people worry that mediation is too much like couples therapy. While it's true that one focus of mediation usually is communication, the mediator won't be trying to help you reconcile or solve all of your relationship problems. Mediation is focused on getting results. Its designed to help you keep your eyes on the prize: resolving the issues you need to resolve and getting your divorce finalized. It may have the fringe benefit of improving your communication with your spouse, but it's not therapy. Also, some mediators are more "touchy feely" than others, and you can choose one you're both comfortable with. (See "Choosing a Mediator," below, for more about mediation styles.)
If your spouse feels strongly that spending hours in mediation sessions will be too emotionally difficult, it's possible that mediation won't work for the two of you. Some people are willing to cooperate but want to avoid direct contact by using the lawyer as a buffer. You could start by taking the path of least resistance and working with your lawyers for a while. The cost, not to mention the realities of having someone else control your divorce process, may change your spouse's mind.
Choosing a Mediator
For most divorcing couples, its not difficult to agree on a mediator, but for some, it's a struggle. It helps to reach some basic agreements with your spouse before you start searching. There are lots of different kinds of mediators, and knowing what qualities you are looking for will make your search much easier. It's important that you both be comfortable with the mediator, so take whatever time is needed to find the right person.
Types of Mediation
There are a few different places to turn to find mediators. If you have kids and are asking the court to resolve a dispute over custody or visitation, most courts will require that you mediate your disagreements about your kids. In that situation, you can hire a private mediator or use a mediator connected with the family court.
Court-Connected Mediation
Many family courts offer low-cost (or even free) mediation to divorcing couples. These programs usually cover only issues related to your children, so if you want to mediate property issues as well, you'll probably want to hire a private mediator to mediate your entire divorce. You could use two mediators-one for custody and visitation issues, and one for property and financial issues-but it would mean a lot of meetings and could get confusing. Even if you're planning on hiring a private mediator, you may be required to attend a minimum number of sessions of court-sponsored mediation.
Court mediators are skilled