Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [46]
• Once agreement has been reached, either the mediator or a consulting attorney will prepare a written settlement agreement, and then you'll be able to finalize your divorce.
There's more about each of these steps below.
The Intake Interview
You've already interviewed the mediator-now, before your first session, the mediator will interview you to get background information and a sense of the most challenging issues. The mediator will probably talk to you and your spouse separately by phone before the first mediation session. However, some mediators don't do an intake interview before the initial meeting, preferring to hear from both parties while everyone is together.
The First Session
At the first mediation session, you'll all meet in the mediator's office or conference room. Most likely the room will contain a table, comfortable chairs, and something to write on that everyone can see-a chalkboard, white board, or easel with big sheets of paper. You'll be seated in a way that allows each of you to see and communicate with each other.
Is Your Lawyer Invited?
When you start the mediation, you may already have a consulting attorney. Generally, family law mediation sessions involve just the divorcing spouses and the mediator, and lawyers don't attend. This keeps costs down and ensures that you and your spouse do the talking and make the decisions. Even if you're a little bit nervous about it, try the first mediation session without your attorney-unless your spouse insists on bringing an attorney, in which case you should probably do the same. If you find that you can't state your position clearly or stand up for yourself alone, then consider bringing your lawyer to later sessions. You can also discuss the issue of your lawyer's presence with the mediator, who may have opinions or suggestions, especially after meeting with you.
The Mediator's Opening Remarks
Most mediators begin by telling you something about what you can expect. This will probably include the fact that the mediator is a neutral party and won't be providing legal advice, and how the process will go-for example, whether you'll all work together the entire time or will sometimes meet separately with the mediator. The mediator will make sure that you understand the nature of the process and will find out whether anyone has time limitations or other needs for the session.
The mediator may also take care of some housekeeping business, if that hasn't happened already-for example, asking you to sign an agreement that says that you'll keep what's said in the mediation confidential, and that you understand that the mediator can't disclose any of what goes on there if, later, there's a court proceeding. At the same time, the mediator will be trying to make you feel comfortable and establish rapport with both you and your spouse.
Telling It Like it is
After the mediator has gone over the basics, you and your spouse will each get a chance to make a short statement about your situation and what you hope to gain from mediation. Some mediators will ask you to answer a few specific questions. Others will just let you say whatever you want to about your marriage, your divorce, what's brought you to mediation, and what you would like to get out of it. The mediator will usually ask each of you not to interrupt the other (a good policy even if you're not reminded of it by the mediator). After each of you has a chance to speak, the mediator may ask some questions to clarify or get more information about what you've said, and make sure you've been understood.
What Do You Need to Work On?
Next, the mediator will begin assessing where you already agree and where you need some work to reach an agreement. Here's where the white board or easel and pad will start to he useful. For example, if you have worked out a custody arrangement, the mediator can put "parenting schedule" on the list of items that you don't need to discuss. You can move on to something else, like a buyout price for the house or the amount of spousal support.
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