Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce - Emily Doskow [49]
Compromise wherever you can. When it feels like you can't compromise, try to make clear to your spouse and the mediator what it is that's important to you about the issue. It's easier to find ways to resolve challenging situations when the reasons for the position you are taking are on the table.
Divorce Without Court: A Guide to Mediation & Collaborative Divorce, by Katherine E. Stoner (Nolo), is a detailed explanation of both divorce mediation and collaborative divorce (discussed in Chapter 1 of this book).
A Guide to Divorce Mediation, by Gary Friedman (Workman Press), explains divorce mediation and provides case studies from actual mediation cases.
After the Mediation, the Paperwork
If you and your spouse negotiate a complete settlement of your divorce, you'll then need to complete the divorce paperwork. That paperwork includes
• a marital settlement agreement incorporating the decisions you made in mediation, and
• all of the court forms that are required to finalize your divorce legally.
If you each have your own attorney, they can complete the paperwork. If you don't have lawyers, the mediator can prepare the paperwork-most mediators are happy to do this for you. Or you and your spouse can do it yourselves, using the instructions and resources in Chapters 3 and 16 and whatever additional information you need for your own state. However, it's a good idea to hire a lawyer to review your settlement agreement, just to make sure it complies with all of your state's requirements. Chapter 13 has a sample marital settlement agreement.
If Mediation Doesn't Work
Mediation works for most couples. But sometimes you can do everything in your power to make mediation successful and you still can't resolve all of the issues in your divorce. In that case, you have a couple of options.
Have your lawyers try to settle the divorce. You probably resolved at least some of your issues during mediation. Use those agreements as a starting point to have your lawyer negotiate with your spouse's lawyer. It may be that after a bit of time has passed, you'll feel differently about the proposals that were made during mediation. It's also possible that the lawyers will use their negotiating skills to come up with a proposal that's acceptable to both you and your spouse.
Try collaborative divorce. This is a particular way of working with lawyers, where everyone pledges to try to settle the case and the lawyers won't represent you if you do ultimately insist on a trial. See Chapter 1 for more about collaborative divorce.
Hire an arbitrator. An arbitrator is basically a private judge who will decide the issues you couldn't resolve. Arbitration is quicker and less expensive than court. See Chapter 1 for more about arbitration.
Go to court. Whatever you can't decide, a judge will. Of course, this should be your last resort. A contested trial, even one that deals with only a few of the issues, will be time-consuming, damaging to your relationship with your spouse, and shockingly expensive. (If this is the way you may have to go, turn to Chapter 5 for more about contested divorce.)
Finding the Right Lawyer .......................................................................................................115
Where to Look for a Lawyer ..............................................................................................116
Interviewing Lawyers .............................................................................................................117
Paying the Lawyer .......................................................................................................................120
The Retainer ...............................................................................................................................120
The Fee Agreement ...............................................................................................................121
What You Can Expect to Pay ...........................................................................................124