Off the Cuff - Carson Kressley [1]
So we have a whole generation of guys who have absolutely no idea how to dress. And to make matters worse, at the same time there’s been an explosion in the number of clothing choices out there, from outlet malls to the Internet. It would be like if you were trying to learn to make a cheese omelet and the only guidance you were given is, “Okay, here are 90 million ingredients. Make something tasty and delicious, but we’re not going to tell you how.” You’d get frustrated and overwhelmed. You’d experiment and make a lot of mistakes. Like when you thought you were totally cool and bought those acid-washed jeans in the eighties, but it was actually the nineties?
That’s where I come in. I’m here, I’m queer, and I can help you. I was going to rescue abused teacup yorkies, but then I realized there weren’t any, so straight men it is! I think they’re cute and adorable and lovable, like abandoned puppies at the animal shelter. A straight guy is kind of like a little bird who’s fallen out of a tree, until a straight woman or a gay man picks him up and says “Look at you! You’re the cutest little thing! You have a broken wing, but we’ll take you to Gucci and you’ll be just fine.”
So think of me as your very own fashion fairy godstylist, here to take you on the magical journey to build a better you, starting with an improved wardrobe. I want to demystify the process, because there’s nothing to be afraid of. Absolutely everyone can dress well. And it doesn’t have to be scary. It’s not like you’re doing a home pregnancy test here, people. I want to show you that looking great is easy and fun—just like NASCAR and televised bass fishing. Okay, well, maybe not that much fun.
Frank Lloyd Wright said,
“Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities.”
I’ve always been like that. Hmmm. Phone bill or new cashmere sweater? Well, I can survive without a phone. Health insurance or fur? Well, If I have the fur than I won’t get sick and I won’t need the health insurance. Problem solved!
Now, some of you may have seen me wearing some pretty out there things on TV, and you’re thinking, “Why should I listen to him??” Fear not. This is all about “Do as I say, not as I do.” I wear clothes that are appropriate for my life as a gay reality makeover TV celebutante. I’ve been known to take my shirt off and go dancing at the Roxy till three in the morning on Saturdays. Most straight guys don’t, so my personal style is going to be different from yours. I hope. Or you’re going to be in for a big surprise next time you go to San Francisco. I’m going to recommend things that will help you get in touch with your own personal style and make you look great.
But before I tell you just how fabulous I can make you, you might want to know just how fabulous I am. Just kidding! But you might want to know where I come from and why I can help you: I was born a poor black child in the parking lot of a Kmart in Decatur, Alabama . . . Actually, I was born and raised in Allentown, Pennsylvania. I was practically Amish. Can you believe this much style came from Allentown? Which just goes to prove my theory that it doesn’t matter where you come from; it only matters where you’re going. Just because you’re from a certain place, or you’re black or white or straight or gay doesn’t mean you can’t become who you want to be. Don’t dream it, be it, people! Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself!
But growing up gay in a blue-collar town like Allentown—and here’s where I get serious for a moment—you realize that you’re different, but you don’t really know why or how. I mean, when you grow up poor, odds