Off the Cuff - Carson Kressley [19]
To me, shorts are really for weekends and vacations—not for the office. They were conceived for casual country club or beachside living, which is important to remember when you pair them with shoes. Shorts are meant to be worn with a classic tennis shoe, a sandal, flip-flop, driving moc, loafer, or boat shoe. Wearing any other kind of lace-up shoes with shorts is always the wrong answer. The only people who pull it off are the postal workers. And we all know how edgy they are! I also want you to be wary of the shorts, socks, and Birkenstocks look, which inevitably makes you look like a German tourist or a High Times subscriber. If you walk up to a stranger, they’ll think you’re asking for directions to I-95 or to a Phish concert.
The final stop on our covering-your-ass journey?
One of my favorite clothing myths is the idea that wearing baggy clothes will make you look thinner. It will not. You will just look like you have size dyslexia. People will not think you have miraculously slimmed down; they’ll just think you’re an idiot. Or wonder, “Hmmm. Why is George wearing those humongous pants that don’t fit him?” Clothing can help change your overall look, but it’s not meant to perform magic tricks. That’s for David Copperfield and his fine colleagues. A simple rule of thumb is that you should wear clothing that fits the day that you’re planning to wear it. Don’t wear clothing that you’ll grow into, you’ll lose weight for, etc. Let’s live for the moment, people! Carpe diem!
SWIMWEAR
Unfortunately, there always seems to be an inverse relationship between how obese or overweight some men are and the size of their swimwear. Meaning that the bigger they are, the smaller their swimwear. Not a good idea. For just about all men, I recommend a swim trunk that comes to mid-thigh. Avoid the clamdigger or anything that even approaches the clamdigger, because anything that’s too long will make your legs look short and stumpy. Avoid any bodyhugging spandex. And for God’s sake, avoid thongs, aka the banana hammock. I don’t want to see your moons over Miami.
Your swim trunks should be made out of a quick dry nylon with a fixed waistband. There’s a misconception that an elastic waistband on a swimsuit will make you look slimmer. But the elastic waistband is just the pleated pants of swimwear. They’ll only accentuate your waistline. But if your waistband is fixed, that means you need to make sure the trunks actually fit you. Trust me, they’ll be much more flattering than looking like you have a gathered garbage bag around your waist or you’re wearing a diaper. The Huggies look is so rarely the right answer on a grown man.
Most straight men are afraid of the bikini, as they well should be. But every once in a while you get some jackass who thinks he looks hot in a bikini. And that could ruin a day at the beach for everyone. (And you thought Jaws made you afraid of going in the water!) Unless you’re a member of the Olympic water polo team, you own a house on Fire Island, or you’re a hot Brazilian man named Sergio, the bikini should be avoided at all costs.
Pants
Overalls. Not unless they’re bringing back Hee-Haw. I love the sight of a man in a hardhat, all dressed up in blue-collar regalia, building bridges across the waterways of the Midwest. But it’s not a fashion statement.
Pleated pants. Do I really have to say anything more?
Track pants. Nylon track pants for the gym are fine. You should just never wear the whole track suit. It brings back many bad airport memories. Store them in two different parts of the house.
Acid-washed jeans. Unless you’re going to the MC Hammer reunion tour.
Sarongs. I don’t think so. Sound it out. So wrong.
CHAPTER 4
Chest Wear That’s Best Wear SHIRTS AND SWEATERS, BABY
SO NOW THAT WE’VE TALKED ABOUT BOTTOMS, IT’S TIME TO TALK
ABOUT ANYTHING THAT GOES ON TOP. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THEgutter, people! I mean shirts and sweaters.
SHIRTS
Let’s start out with that old standby, the sport shirt. I bet you’ve