Off the Cuff - Carson Kressley [26]
I divide my sweaters into two categories: city and country. City sweaters are lean and mean, and country sweaters are big, and chunky. The first rule of thumb is that your top and bottom halves need to match. If you’re wearing a big, chunky, rugged fisherman knit sweater, your bottom needs to be rugged, too. Unlike your favorite bisexual, your country sweater doesn’t go both ways. Don’t wear a big fisherman’s sweater with a beautiful silk-and-wool suit pant. Instead, wear it with something as casual as cargos or jeans, or dress it up with a Harris tweed blazer.
Your Shirts: When to Say Good-bye
• If it’s stained
• If you can see your elbows
• If the collar is as yellow as the “before” pictures of dentures in those Efferdent commercials
• Pitted out shirts are just plain grody! If you haven’t been able to Shout it out, throw it out
The Sweatshirt and Sports Jersey: Proceed with Caution
Sweatshirts are only for the gym, people. Anything with the word “sweat” in it should not be part of your regular wardrobe. I don’t mind a classic collegiate sweatshirt or a classic Champion to work out in, but not to wear out to dinner. The only exception is the vintage sweatshirt, which can be fun. What I really hate are the gigantic oversized sweatshirts that say “Minnesota Golden Gophers” or some other slogan. People in sweatshirts just look sloppy, like they should be at home painting their bathroom.
Let’s be clear about something: Sports jerseys are a uniform. Period. If you’re actually a professional athlete, or you’re the guy who drives the Zamboni, they’re okay; if you’re watching in the stands, you’re not fooling anyone. We know you’re not Wayne Gretzky. A jersey should never be worn on a date, unless it’s a same-sex date with a member of the opposing hockey team. The best thing you could do with team jerseys is take some advice from the Hard Rock Cafe and frame them. They’ll be just the thing for the walls of your basement rec room.
You’ll also want to remember that super chunky ski sweaters and really thick fisherman knit sweaters were designed with a purpose: to keep you super warm outdoors . Keep in mind that in today’s climate-controlled world, if you’re going to be indoors, at work, shopping, or wherever, you’re probably going to be too warm in one of them. They tend to be expensive because they use a lot of yarn, so invest in only one or two, because you won’t have that much occasion to wear them unless you live in Maine. Otherwise, these sweaters are best left for skiing and outdoor activity, perhaps some apple picking on a brisk November morning.
Shirts
Short-sleeve dress shirts. Please.
No pocket protectors. Ever.
Mock turtles. The mock neck is called such because people mock you when you wear one. Any slinky silk mock neck tees should be avoided at all costs; you’ll look like an eighties porn star.
Novelty sweaters. Turkeys, Christmas trees, football logos, and fire trucks are all wrong, wrong, wrong. The one exception is the snowflake and reindeer sweater, which might be just too cute to pass up. All others are left for grandmas, babies, and preschool teachers.
A shirt and tie with no jacket. If you go that far, you should go all the way. Otherwise you look like an IRS employee. Note to IRS employees: Put on a jacket with that tie!
Fashion tees with logos. When your shirt says Duffer or Polo or Tommy Hilfiger, you risk looking like a walking billboard.
CHAPTER 5
Everyone Looks Good in a Suit, Period SUITS, BLAZERS, TIES, AND POCKET SQUARES
SUITS
There are two kinds of guys: Guys who wear suits every day, and those who wear them to weddings and funerals. No matter which kind of guy you are, and whether you have ten suits in your closet or just one, your