Off the Cuff - Carson Kressley [39]
4. Any hats purchased while drunk at Mardi Gras. I don’t care what it looks like. Just get rid of it.
5. Do rags and bandanna “drug helmets.” They look good on Nelly, but then again, what doesn’t? Chocolate thunder!
6. Jester hats. They were invented to make people laugh at you. Brilliant invention. Still works!
7. Hats that combine the art of crochet with the art of recycling. You’ve seen them at county fairs: shards of old Mountain Dew cans lovingly (or drunkenly) strewn together with neon-colored yarn to create a conversational-but-stomach-wrenching bucket hat. Your green, earth-friendly impulses are to be applauded, but not at the expense of polluting the fashion landscape with ugly headwear. I’m channeling that sad Indian again.
CHAPTER 7
Accessories LAST THING ON, FIRST THING NOTICED
STYLISH ACCESSORIES ARE SO VERY IMPORTANT. JUST BECAUSE THEY’RE SMALL AND GO ON LAST DOESN’T MEAN THAT THEY should be an afterthought or that you can go without them. Think of accessories as the crowning glory of that wardrobe you’ve worked so hard to put together: You need to pay attention and not screw them up.
JEWELRY
The average straight man’s jewelry should be minimal. Most of the time, men and jewelry just don’t mix. Unless you’ve won a Super Bowl, there is no reason to wear a giant dome ring as an homage to your gridiron glory days. Put it in your hope chest or hock it. Chains, rings, anything like that—especially when done in gold—will always make you look like you’re in the mafia or trying out for Kiss Me, Guido. If you’re a young guy, or exceptionally cool, a simple necklace made of a piece of suede cording with a little piece of silver hanging from it—either a small cross or some sort of ethnic token—can look really hot with an open shirt, or with a T-shirt and denim. It’s very rock and roll. Very Johnny Depp. Just remember that whatever’s hanging from the cord should never be bigger than your head or a toaster. Come to think of it, your head shouldn’t be bigger than a toaster either.
As for earrings, I’ll be honest: I don’t like them. For 99.9 percent of men, I think earrings make you look like an out-of-date rock star or a pirate, and neither is a particularly enviable look. In very rare instances, someone like Johnny Depp or Lenny Kravitz can get away with earrings. But for average Joes, I suggest you take that ear-ring out and leave your Def Leppard fantasy at the door, thank you. My motto? Studs without studs.
The only jewelry I will unconditionally allow, of course, is a wedding band. That’s the kind of sacred ground where I could never say what’s good and what’s bad. It’s so special, and obviously, if you have one on, you’ve received it before I’ve gotten to you. Hopefully you’re wearing a simple, classic, elegant wedding band, but even if you’re not, the person who gave it to you loves you and you still have to wear it no matter what I say. I’ll deal.
WATCHES
Because most men don’t wear jewelry, thank God, a great watch is really important. Unless you’re a gender illusionist (or drag queen, as some people so mundanely call them), a nice watch should be the most noticeable piece of jewelry you own. Your watch doesn’t have to be a Rolex. But it shouldn’t cost $5.99 and be made of plastic or held together with Scotch tape, either. Think somewhere in the middle of those two extremes. You can get a great watch like a Swatch that’s relatively inexpensive and looks amazing. Actually, get two watches: one for work and one for the weekend. When they’re classic and sophisticated, they will last you a lifetime. I love a classic diving watch, a chronograph in stainless steel, or for a more dressy option that looks great, a tank watch.
Another great trick is to buy a watch with a simple silver or stainless steel case and a removable band. You can have a brown leather band, a crocodile band, and even a fun multicolored grosgrain one for summer. It’s a great way to get many different looks out of one watch.