Off the Cuff - Carson Kressley [58]
Designer labels do represent reputation, quality, and commitment to design excellence. So don’t be fooled by cheap imposters. Giorgio Mymommy and Dolce and Garbanzo are not what they’re pretending to be. Polo with two ls? That’s chicken, people. Think of it like a car. A brand has a heritage and
tradition of quality and a benchmark that they set to maintain their customer base. Would you buy a car called a Dyslexus and expect it to perform like a Lexus just because the name was similar? I think ton. I mean not.
If you see new “designer” clothing at a flea market or being sold on the street by a guy also selling glowsticks and Yankees tickets, hello! It’s not the real deal. Someone like me can spot fakes a mile away because the silhouette is off—it’s big and boxy rather than trim and tailored. Or the fabric is different; it’s hard like sandpaper rather than soft and supple. Or the logo is the wrong size. My favorite is “Knights of the Round Table,” which is a Polo knockoff. Instead of a horse and polo player, they have a horse and jouster. Nice try, people. This is not my first day at the Renaissance Faire.
Regardless of the store, you want to really look at construction and fabric content, because there are some really cool designs from the fifties, sixties and seventies. However, this was the heyday of Dacron, so beware of clothes that seem to be made of old lawn furniture. Look for things that are real cotton, silk, or wool, and try everything on because sizing and fit in earlier eras were very different from today. A small in 1970 does not a small in 2004 make.
A Cheat Sheet for Brands
These brands all tend to be very consistent. You’re buying peace of mind that you’re going to get consistent quality at various price points.
• Abercrombie & Fitch
• Banana Republic
• Barneys
• Bloomingdales
• Calvin Klein
• Club Monaco
• Diesel
• DKNY
• Dolce & Gabbana
• The Gap
• H&M
• Tommy Hilfiger
• Levi’s
• Nautica
• Neiman Marcus
• Nordstrom
• Polo Ralph Lauren
• aks Fifth Avenue
• John Varvatos
And lastly, the most important piece of advice: Wash it, wash it, and wash it again. Clothing can host mold and mildew and harbor all kinds of strange and mysterious odors. If you wash it with one cup of white vinegar, it will remove some of that thrift store fragrance—you know, the one that smells like old lady feet or the interior of a 1974 Dodge Dart.
EPILOGUE
NOW THAT YOU’VE GOTTEN THIS FAR, I BET YOU’RE WONDERING, “CARSON, JUST WHAT WOULD THE WORLD LOOK LIKE IF STRAIGHT men were good little lambs and followed your fashion advice?”
Well, people, it would be a beautiful thing. The world would look like everyone was a sales associate at Neiman Marcus. No, wait, that could be hellish. Scratch that.
It would be a yummy world of color and cashmere, of friendly hellos and twinkles in the eye from knowing we all looked and felt our best. Everyman would find a style that worked for him and wouldn’t be afraid to embrace who he really is, even if it meant wearing stripes in a paisley world. The GNP would soar, and we’d all be like one big Benetton ad, with everybody united in peace, harmony, and couture.
It would be a world without hockey jerseys, except on hockey players. (But they would fit tighter!). Sweatpants hiked up to your knees would be eradicated. White Reebok hightops would be banished, never to be seen again. Mock turtlenecks would be a thing of the past. Little children would say things like “What is this mock turtleneck you speak of, Father?” or “Daddy, tell me again about the olden days of yore when people used to wear Coogi sweaters and Cavariccis.” And the answer would come. “Oh, son, that was a long, long time ago and the world was a dark, scary, ugly, evil place. But then along came a fairy godstylist named Carson Kressley, and he changed