Old Filth - Jane Gardam [66]
“Hadn’t two wives left Pierrepoint though?”
“Yes. Yes, there was that. I am glad of that.”
“And he resigned after Ruth Ellis didn’t he?”
“Yes. That was interesting.”
“You’ve had a varied practice then, down in Dorset?”
“I told you, young woman, I retired to Dorset long ago. Away from the cut and thrust. The heat and dust.”
At heat and dust something flickered in Vanessa’s head. A novel? A film? Something to do with lawyers abroad? “Have you Oriental blood?” Filth asked.
“Certainly not, I come from Bournemouth.”
“You remind me of someone with kind hands. You are very beautiful. How old are you?”
“I’m thirty-two.”
“Did you have children? When you were young? You must have Oriental blood. Your age is not obvious.”
“Well thanks, I’m sure. You’ll be saying ‘younger than she are married mothers made’ next.”
“Oh, I’m not interested in your past life.”
“Well, I’m glad of that. You’re not like my parents.”
“What about Oliver?”
“Oh, he doesn’t think about it. Never has. Marriage, kids. Good God, no!”
“Then he’ll leave you,” said Filth, closing his eyes.
“Let him. He’d miss me.”
Filth said nothing.
“It’s the way of the world now,” she said. “It must be incomprehensible to your generation.”
“Not entirely.”
“It won’t change back, you know. We meet, we part. Life is pretty long nowadays to be satisfied by a single sexual partner.”
“And my lot will soon all be dead?” said Filth.
“Oh, of course I don’t mean that—that your generation is without influence. No. Personally, I respect your generation. I respect your attachment to duty and the Law, your lifetime dedication. But we live so long now that there’s time for three or four professions and partnerships. And we all have aides—” “Yes, you have Aids,” said Filth. “I don’t know much of the technicalities of ‘Aids’ with small or upper case ‘A.’”
“You see us, though—don’t you—as negative?” she said. “Selfish? Everyone under, say, forty?”
“At the moment I feel it about everyone under a century but I dare say this will pass. My wife would have no patience with me.”
“I’m sorry you’ve lost your wife. Was it long ago? I’d have enjoyed meeting her,” said Vanessa kindly to the imagined Betty: the marmalade-maker, Bridge-player, no doubt churchflower arranger, and the grandchildren in the holidays. “Did you have many children?”
“We had no children.”
Should she say she was sorry? Then she knew she was sorry. Sorry for him. The wife was probably—
“Sorry,” she said.
“It was deliberate. Think carefully before you bring children into the world. Betty and I were what is called ‘Empire orphans.’ We were handed over to foster parents at four or five and didn’t see our parents for at least four years. We had bad luck. Betty’s foster parents didn’t like her and mine—my father hadn’t taken advice—were chosen because they were cheap. If you’ve not been loved as a child, you don’t know how to love a child. You need prior knowledge. You can inflict pain through ignorance. I was not loved after the age of four and a half. Think of being a parent like that.”
“Yes. I suppose.”
“A parent like you, for instance, young woman. What child would want a parent like you?”
She was furious. “I was loved,” she said. “I’m still loved by my parents, thank you very much. And I love them. We have difficulties, but it’s normal family life.”
“Then I made a mistake,” he said, still not looking at her. “Maybe it’s your hair. It is so thin. I’m sorry.”
“My hair is a Sassoon cut and it cost one hundred pounds.” She flung about with the cups and tea-tray and made to go off into the house.
“I have my career,” she said. “I know it’s what all women say, but it’s true. It matters to me and to Oliver and to the economy of the country. I make a lot of money. I can have a child when I’m fifty.”
“See if you do,” he said. “I hope you don’t. Children are cruel. They are wreckers of the soul. I hate children. I am a paedophobe. Betty knew we must not have a child because of the child I was myself. I would have damaged a child. I don’t mean physically, of course.”
(The old thing’s